Somewhat Reality

The Mean Reds

2012-01-25T15:24:00.000-08:00

I've got 'em, and I've got 'em bad.

For some reason, I am in really poor health. A lot. I'm not sure what I do wrong - I only pig out one a week or less, I portion control, I sanitize, I sleep (a LOT)... so why do I always end up sick?

It just seems weird, and wrong, and I don't like it. I'm really hoping I can figure out what's wrong with me (or my immune system, or my heart, or my health, or whatever) once and for all.

Meanwhile, I'm focusing on writing a guest article for the Living with Loss magazine, along with doing a guest blog post one of my publicists recommended.

Hope everyone is having a better week!
Tally ho!

Happy New Year?

2012-01-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I haven't blogged in so long, guys. Last post I was saying Bye Bye to Writer's Block... turns out I still had it.

In the blogging world, anyway.

2012 thus far has been great. Very stressful and pressing, but great. In the writing world, I'm proud to announce that I'm now officially represented by JKS Communications, and embarking on a publicity tour (both virtual and in person) over these coming months. I'm really quite over-the-top-beyond excited about it, and it is quite great because I really had no idea I was even at that point to gain a publicist. My parents sprung the possibility of it on me literally the day before Julie Schoerke (hi publicist! :D) accepted me. I remember sitting there on the couch as they told me - I literally thought it was going to be a discussion about financial aid and how they can't pay for college or something like that, and instead I learn about how I am one step closer to sharing Slipping Reality with the world.

Needless to say, I was in tears. It was unbelievably so overwhelming.

Besides press commitments (nothing in the upcoming right now except a radio interview next Tuesday) and working on press releases and all that, I've been very swamped with health and first semester grades. It's a huge relief to be in second semester now, because all I have to do is my best rather than INHUMAN AWE-INSPIRING BEASTLINESS.

Plus, I got accepted into some very fine colleges, including Emerson and my top choice, Chapman. While it's a not a sure-fire bet I'll be going there, it's pretty damn close, and I'm really quite excited.

We'll end today's blog post with Emily's Current Picks.

Book to read: In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Movie to see: Beauty & the Beast in 3D (Disney makes 3D not obnoxious, and I love it. Plus, a Tangled short, what more do you want?)
TV to watch: Ghost Adventures (why? Because it's hilariously terrifying. It's kind of my new obsession, and only because I enjoy how Zak Bagan's muscles get more screen time than the ghosts themselves)
Music to listen to: I've been meaning to check out Jason Mraz's new stuff, which all of you should too. Right now I basically listen to what CDs are currently in my car, which would be Frank Sinatra's Best of the Best and Adele's 21. I've also been enamored with Sara Bareillis's (forgive me for botching her last name, I always have and always will) song "Gonna Get Over You". It's very dorky-cute in its blend of old-timey bounce and current-age pop.
Music to learn: Since I'm a piano-sheet-perusing fool, my recommend is "Don't You Remember" by Adele. It's currently my favorite thing to play on the piano. That and the "Up" theme ("Married Life"). Go for it, musical readers.

Tally ho!

Bye Bye Writer's Block

2011-11-29T17:11:00.001-08:00

...That is, when I actually have something to write. Stuff's going on right now in my life, but nothing really worth talking about. And definitely nothing book-related. Yet.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Gimme Thanksgiving?

2011-11-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a tough week. Poway's lost yet another Titan, Luke Lipscomb, a junior who passed from a severe head wound. I don't want to go into the details because it doesn't matter - I didn't know him, but I'll miss him so.

I don't think its this common to lose so many students over the span of four years in high school. I don't think it ever should be.

I just wanted to pay my respects to him before moving on, because I wanted this post to be more light-hearted but I couldn't write anything until I made sure he was mentioned and loved.

Right, then... have some random tidbits from my life:

Tonight I have some sort of PTSA commemoration to go to for my school. Apparently I'm being awarded something, but I have no idea for what or by whom. So I'm looking forward to figuring that lil' mystery out.

Then, I'm going to Disneyland on Thursday, which will hopefully lift my spirits about Luke, and get a dream come true handed to me - a tour of the Dream Suite. I can hardly wait.

I also have recently become obsessed with this show Once Upon a Time. I'm not sure why, because the writing definitely is laughable at times, but I just can't get enough of it. The costumes (at least in the fantasy world) are really cool, and the guy who plays Rumplestilskin is epic. Not to mention the totally hawt sheriff in their little town, but you know, details details.

I am doing absolutely nothing on Thanksgiving, though I'm dying to go to LA. Someone want to kidnap me? I really want to see family, and I'm kind of really in the mood for an orange freeze at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

And finally, I am thankful for having next week off because I am pretty much done with school. Oh wait, there's still six months left? Shut up.

Tally ho!

Talent vs. Social Life

2011-11-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

Today was a rainy day.

I love rainy days. Especially when they're not at school, because its like the weather giving me an excuse to be lazy.

So I curled up with a book (The Perks of Being a Wallflower - read it) and a blanket, and read on the couch for a while. Then I was hungry, so I made some peanut butter toast and a glass of milk. And while I'm sure I have all of you at the edge of your seats with my exciting story thus far, I do have a point. And it is more than a cool story, bro.

See, now that the fall play is over, I find myself in a similar pattern I've fallen into each of these four years of high school - I now, actually, have time to do stuff.

And my brain goes, "What?"

Not just stuff, of course. I've been doing stuff this entire time, that's the whole point. Memorizing lines, working on my character, blocking, movement, trying not to kill cast members, all that tough stuff. Devoting my life to rehearsal until ungodly hours. And managing a 4.4 GPA (don't ask me how that happened, because I have no idea). And applying for college. And oh, you know, all that other crazy stuff I do.

Now I get home at 1:30 thanks to off-roll. And it gets dark early now, so I'm like, "Time for bed!"

Clock: 5:10 PM.
Me: ...Close enough.

Right, so I'm getting off track here. Back to today. I've finished my delicious toast, practiced a little "Chasing Cars" on the piano, and then thought to myself, "Well gee, Emily, now that you have time, you might as well do that thing that you do where you write stuff and it reads good."

And also, to work on my grammar and pray people got the Zoolander reference.

So I sat down to write. And I realized how terribly out of practice I was.

I'm not saying what I wrote was bad - it was actually quite good, once it came to me. I am, however, realizing that on weekends when I wasn't rehearsing and had time, I was out with my friends. I've come a long way from freshman, sophomore and even some of junior year where I preferred Skyping with Alyson and Lauren to any actual human contact.

Now, mind you, part of this comes from the fact that Alyson and Lauren are just as busy as I am, so its not to say I sacrificed anything on their behalf. My decision to keep in touch with them was, well, my decision, and I wouldn't change a thing, not ever (and if either of you are reading this, Skype me dammit).

But in the summers and weekends when my grief was fresh and my friends still new, I was fine seeing them at school but on weekends that was my hermit time. I would watch my favorite movies, I would write, and I would do absolutely nothing else.

Now my priorities have shifted a bit. On weekends I try to make them as busy as possible, so I am not left alone with myself. I used to be very comfortable with solitude, and quiet, and now it seems I can only sit still for so long before I begin to want to cry. Grieving, sure, it'll do that to ya, but grief isn't the point here - the point is how peculiar I find it that choosing to spend time with my friends and have a good time interferes with my ability to write.

Because honestly, it took me a while to think of what I wanted to say before I could say it. Eventually, in fact, I just gave up and started typing until I could find something to go off of. Not a bad thing, but certainly new.

That didn't last long, though, because my mom asked if I wanted to watch a Disney movie with her, and I was over and out in moments. More movies commenced with Liz, whom I invited over, and my day got instantly brighter. I was reminded of why I love rainy days, staying indoors with a valid excuse. Rainy days are the world's way of telling me that it is now socially acceptable to do absolutely nothing and not be chided for it.

I understand that this blog is probably extremely scattered, but I did want to make a point - I seriously envy some of the people I know who have it all going for them but can still be social butterflies. If I want a social life my talent suffers, if I want time to write my social life suffers.

First world problems, I know. Glad to have 'em in any case, because while this isn't really an issue for me, I thought it would be interesting to write out. And interesting it was, because looking over this probably makes little sense to anyone besides me.

So let's make it available publicly! Yay!

Tally ho!

Ways to Cheer Emily Up when Life Sucks

2011-11-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

This blog has been a bunch of lists lately, hasn't it? Good news for all of you I'm not a particularly difficult person (at least I'd hope), and I'm fairly easy to cheer up, considering all you have to do is blast some Frank Sinatra or tell me that I look like Ariel from The Little Mermaid (lie through your teeth, it works) and I'm a happy camper again (see previous post).

This post is dedicated to the recent news that due to budget cuts and an apparent lack of affinity for the arts, my school has cut off all funding for the musical, and therefore it is cancelled.

This means a lot to me - in a bad way, of course. This was my senior year musical, and to me, that's a big hunkin' deal. Don't get me started on the pain I feel for the other grades that participate in the arts - if this continues, what the hell will high school have to offer them?

I'm one of the people who do Theater Guild and choir and love both. Not everybody can. Factors vary - it could be the drastically different director styles of both directors, it could be the focus of interests (musical theater over straight plays or vise versa)... it could be anything, really. I'm lucky that I love Theater Guild, and I'm lucky to be in such a phenomenally talented choir, but last year I got to be part of an extremely talented cast that was more than just choir nerds. I met some great people.

It doesn't seem fair to take that away. I understand budget crisis, and we're suffering loads this year... but the musical is one of the most widely-attended events of the year, because the productions are always so damn good. Logically, it might make sense, but emotionally and experience-wise for the kids... you dun goof'd, Poway.

So now, in my puddle of misery and feelings of confusion and misdirection, here is how you, the average ordinary everyday reader, can cheer me up (its different from de-stressing me, but it still includes Frank Sinatra and Disney).

1. Call me. Seriously. Call me just to talk. Get my mind off whatever I'm stuck on. You don't have to be the all-holy listener that will listen to every emotion and gripe I have, but if you're someone who can carry a conversation and not do so in a douchey way (see: Oh, that sucks, so do you think I have a chance with this girl?), you and I will get along just fine. Because I get it - not everyone wants to talk. Just do something comforting, dammit.

2. Make plans. Life sucks? Okay, Emily, let's hit the movies on Friday! Hey, I heard you like Disneyland! Wanna go?
...The last one pretty much is a guarantee pick-me-up. God, I hope I get to go on Sunday.

3. Three topics to get me distracted.

Twilight. "WHY IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO DATE BABIES. WHY DOES NOBODY DIE. EVER. WHY DO YOU STILL LOVE SOMEONE AFTER THEY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO DIE WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO ITALY TO DO IT. DOES NOBODY CARE THAT HE SPARKLES--" I've read the books, so I'm qualified to hate them. And rant endlessly.
Emperor Penguins. Okay, I stole this one from How I Met Your Mother, but come on... they bow to each other before intercourse. "Mr. Penguin... Mrs. Penguin." Oh those penguins.
Disneyland. Oh, sure, I can guide you to the restaurant that sells those chicken fingers. Walk all the way down Main Street, go past Adventureland into Frontierland, take a right past the Golden Horseshoe... why are you all staring at me?

4. You wanna watch a Disney movie? The answer will always be yes.

5. I bet I'm a better singer than you are. Challenge accepted.

6. Hey, I'd like to ask you a question about Slipping Reality, and no, its not "what's the book about?" OHMYGODYAY.

7. I'm in the mood for some Beethoven. In other words, lure me to the piano.

8. Be Darren Criss. I mean, really.

9. Hey, what do you think about dueting on some Frank Sinatra with me? (or Adele, or Jason Mraz, or...) OHMYGODYES LET'S GO.

10. Chocolate? Yes.

See? Its not that hard. Mostly.

Though if I were to be more realistic all you have to do is give me a hug. Its the thought that counts!

Tally ho!

How to Calm the Frick Down

2011-11-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby carrots. Its that time of the year again.

You know what it is. Show week.

More than that, show week. The last dress. Where everything. Goes. Wrong.

I've only been in two shows where this barely happened (hello, Secret Garden and Fiddler on the Roof... come back now?). Its kind of ironic how I'm in a show about a show (It's called an Inceptplay... or if you're really classy, Inceptple`) and the first act is about our final dress, which is equally as awful.

I suppose that's one advantage. Even if we do the show awfully we can still make it like its funny... because we're supposed to be awful.

Oof. My brain hurts. Its a lot harder being a bad actor than you would think.

Anyway, to the point: A Countdown of 10 Ways to Calm Emily Beaver the Frick Down:

10. Sit her in front of a piano, stat! Focusing my brain on something that requires effort but mostly in the muscle memory and music reading department easily distracts me.

9. Give her Little Women to read. Ohhhh, Theodore Laurence...

8. For the love of all that is delicious, give her some chocolate. That is, if you want your head still attached to your neck.

7. Give her a hug. A big one. With lots of cuddling. And preferably compliments or reassurances that its going to be okay.

6. Back massage. One of the downsides of being a choir nerd is that it comes with lots of massages. On the other hand, though, one of the upsides of being a choir nerd is that it comes with lots of massages.

5. Put on a Disney movie. The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Tangled, Hercules... oh hell, any Disney movie and I'll be sitting pretty in no time. And also probably singing obnoxiously.

4. Ask her to sing. I... like... singing?

3. GIVE HER FOOD, DAMMIT. I'm a lot like men - I get really crabby when I'm hungry. Shove some food in my mouth and I'll probably calm down a bit.

2. Starbucks it up. Peppermint mocha, or if its not Christmas season, a tuxedo mocha. A happy Emily is a caffeinated Emily.

and number 1....

FRANK. SINATRA.
I swear to God, if you find me with smoke coming out my ears and ready to cuss everyone out while tearing limbs from their body, get a Frank record going, STAT. I don't know what it is (besides the fact that he's just completely dreamy), but the moment I hear that voice all the rage and frustration melts out of me and you have a calm, happy Emily.

Which is why when I got home from rehearsal today, in an absolute rage, I laid down on the couch with my new iPhone (its... so... shiny...), closed my eyes, and listened to Frank.

And now I can actually talk to people without dropping the f bomb. Calm Emily is calm.

And that's how Ol' Blue Eyes calms Emily the frick down. Except now she really needs some sleep.

My name is Emily Beaver and I approve this message.

Tally ho!

That awkward moment when...

2011-10-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

...You have basically nothing to blog about.

It's been really crazy these past few weeks, and will be until the week after next. Next week Noises Off goes up, and then its college apps until the very end.

Meanwhile, I've been focusing a lot on piano and my singing. And those are about the only things that are happening right now.

Sorry it's not that interesting. Another time.

Tally ho!

Reasons Why Many Things Are Not Happening That Should Be Happening

2011-10-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

Blogging on SparkLife:
It ain't happenin'. I've started writing the first Blogging AVPS post... but it just ain't happening. Probably because my grammar needs a-fixin' and there's something called college apps RUINING MY LIFE.

Writing my new book:
I try to write even one measly sentence, and then my brain goes "LOL NOPE COLLEGE APPS NOW." Then I silently weep.

Organizing senior project:
This one actually isn't my fault. I haven't had my call returned yet.

Doing AP Lit log:
-sits down to read and take notes-
Piano: Psssst.
Me: -reading-
Piano: Pssst. Emily.
Me: -taking copious notes-
Piano: Pssssssssst.
Me: NO.
Piano: Grace me with your Beethoven...
Me: I can't. :(
Piano: Play Boston... learn a new A Fine Frenzy song... practice Moonlight Sonata... just one piece...
Me: Its like you're trying to get me to do drugs.
Piano: Its this or college apps.
Me: DONE.

I've been addicted to piano as of late. =/

Submitting all my college apps:
College apps. I know, I don't even know how that one works.

Being completely mint on memorizing lines for the school play:
College apps.

...Are we starting to notice a pattern?

Hopefully more interesting posts and news awaits. Tally ho!

Alabaster Chambers.

2011-10-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is with me, and being sick, but it seems to happen to me. A lot.

And it used to not be that big of a deal. I'd be sick, and then I'd be over it within a day. If it was really bad, three days.

That doesn't seem to be the case anymore, and I seem to be getting sicker more often.

Sorry this blog has been dead the past few weeks, by the way. It's been dead because I have been dead.

Nowadays, I'm just getting hit with it. Over and over. And really, this has been going on since Matthew died.

No, I'm not trying to blame everything bad that's ever happened to me on his death, but usually when I'm sick its caused by how emotionally exhausted I am. And you know, that kind of stuff doesn't fly in the real world. It won't stop and wait for you to finish sniffling and down that tub of ice cream. You've just got to carry on.

And lately that's been my motto, to carry on. Not just because I just love British things and keeping calm and carrying on is how I roll, but it gets frustrating when I can't. I used to just suck up everything and go with it, but that basically drove me to the edge of insanity. Now that I know its not actually a crime against humanity to say "I'm doing the best I can" and take a damn break, I grow worried with how frequently I need one of those damn breaks.

Okay, fine, I pulled a 4.4 GPA this six week term. While having a novel's worth of lines to memorize for the school play. I get it, I've been working hard.

But this isn't how normal people break down, is it? Or are our levels of breaking down on different levels?

As much as I'd love to say not everything in my life ties back to Matthew, it kind of does. I think of him when I sing on stage. I think of him when a friend does something extraordinary for me. I think of him when I'm feeling grateful for a special guy or a special treat or a special whatever. I just think of him. A lot. Always. I guess that kind of goes for the acute stages of grief.

So perhaps when the Emotionally Balanced Teenager (which is, in of itself, one big stinkin' oxymoron) needs a break, or gets sick, it's not such a big thing. If its just the 24 hour cold, they can go to school, be miserable, go home and sleep and shake it off. If its something that lasts a little longer, they lay around at home, sleep, watch TV, and basically let their brains go to mush for a little bit.

Which is totally cool with me, because I essentially do the same, except for one added thing:

I've got time. Time to be both sick and miserable. And therefore, time to think. And therefore, time to think about Matthew. Kind of throws me off in my ongoing attempt to be normal, you know.

And of course, I'm just assuming here. I have no idea what its like when a teenager not dealing with grief or some other sort of trauma gets sick or gets emotionally exhausted. That's not my life anymore, I dunno. It could be the same of different, I'm just kind of musing here and we all know what happens when we let Sick Emily talk.

At the same time, I wonder what teenager hasn't been traumatized, because going by what I've experienced in high school - Poway in particular - it seems there isn't a person without problems. I guess I don't know where the difference is in a problem and a trauma. To me, it seems to be all the same.

Again, maybe its because I'm a teenager.

But Poway's been through hell and back. Forget what I've been through, we've gone through death by drunk driving, death by overdose, death by nobody knows, and death by what I figure to be the worst thing in the world - kidnap, rape, and murder. I mean God, it infuriates me to even think about something like that happening to someone like her. Or to anyone.

Sorry, sore subject. But my point is, I have a hard time measuring my traumas next to anyone else's, because I've kind of come to believe - and blame it on my experience at Poway, on Facebook, and on that SixBillionSecrets site - that nobody is without trauma. No one's had that balanced life.

Am I right? I have no idea. That's just how I've come to perceive the world. And I hope to God I'm wrong.

A cheerier, less sick, and probably more witty post will be in your near future. Have a good rest of the week, readers.

Tally ho!

The Writer's Truth

2011-09-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get so run down and tired you'd be perfectly content to curl up in a ball and let a couple weeks go by?

Of course you do. Don't we all?

And it's not uncommon for me to complain as such on this blog, either. But I haven't felt this sort of tired in a long time, and it has me worried. And this is why:

This is the same exhaustion I faced at the end of junior year. I was worn down, I was burnt out, and I was ready for the school year to be over. In fact, I kind of felt like that all junior year long - because I had never been busier in my entire life, if you remember my schedule. Just looking back on it makes me cringe, and I honestly have no idea how I got a 4.0 both semesters. Don't get me wrong, I love being busy, and having too much time go by with nothing to do makes me crazy, but it's what I fill those hours doing that defines my exhaustion.

Do I get exhausted being in three shows at once? Of course. But I'd rather be exhausted doing that than be exhausted looking at four hours of homework a night.

My fear is about today. Today, life is hard. No kidding. But for us, for kids these days. I think back to the No Child Left Behind mandate and wonder if it was really beneficial at all - all it seemed to do was make matters worse for teachers and for students. Not just in the act itself of shoving more standardized tests down our throats (thanks, Bush), but also in terms of competition.

AP courses used to be a way to get college credit early. Now they're practically a requirement if you want to go to a four year university. And that befuddles me - AP courses shouldn't be required, they should be there for the students who want to challenge themselves. I only take AP courses I'm interested in, but from sophomore year where APEC was just for history nerds, now it's for everyone. And not everyone does well. Not everyone takes the coursework seriously. Not everyone is suited for an AP class.

And that's fine, you know. AP courses are college level classes. You should take a college level class when you're ready for it, and that might not be until - oh no, wait for it... - college.

I know, stop the freakin' presses.

I love my AP courses, but I know a lot of students who don't. Not because of the course itself, but because of the course load - they can't handle it. But they take it anyway, because they know that today colleges would much rather you get a B in an AP class than an A in a regular class. My freshman year, that was different. My senior year, it's unheard of.

And that is so unfair. Not just to the students who would rather wait for college to actually work that hard - but for all the students and teachers involved who don't want to wait. It gives the teachers a heavier course load to grade, and slows down the process for the true APers while the others catch up. Not to mention the bigger class sizes makes it even tougher for students to get to know their teachers more personally.

Am I being harsh here? No. I'm not targeting specific people who shouldn't be in APs, I'm targeting society. I don't think it's fair that students these days are pressured into taking harder courses. I absolutely believe in challenging yourself and taking a leap of faith in your academic career and all of that, but I don't believe in doing so prematurely. Some people are just better at school than others, and while I do take APs, I'm not one of them. I'm a horrid test taker, because the standardized tests just aren't compatible with the way my brain works. It doesn't mean I'm not smart. It doesn't mean I'm not a good student. It just means that I'm more creative than others and therefore it takes me a while to adjust to a more logical approach.

So yeah, I have to study harder. And yeah, I have to spend a little more time on difficult concepts. The world isn't on my every whim; I can't change the education system to help me learn suited to my needs. And that's fine, that's life. I'm up to the challenge because I like being challenged. But I ache for the people who want just as much of a future as me, but aren't as prepared to take those challenges. Because that's not their faults, and they shouldn't be punished for it. They should be encouraged to do the best they can in high school, in whatever courses best suit their interests or capabilities, and leave APs to those who just want to earn some college credit - not to those who want to just get into college.

Because all of this? It's killing me. I'm so tired. Why is getting into college so difficult these days? I'm proud to show colleges who I am and what I've achieved, but I'm not proud to have to shove every other student out of the way to do so. All this pressure and I can't function the way I used to. I was a friggin' machine sophomore year. I might have been dying in APEC, constantly, but I did all the work. I didn't slack off or skim. I achieved a 98 in that class and I am so damn proud of it.

But working that hard to impress colleges burned me out like no other. And I thought the summer before junior year would revitalize me to get back into the grind. And yeah, it revitalized me, but I sure didn't get back into the grind. I slugged through APUSH and math. I didn't work as hard as I used to. Things that used to be so important to me - staying in contact with teachers, making up all late work, etc. - stopped being as important. What became important was just keeping my head above water and surviving. What became important was finding time to do things I actually liked to do. What became important was just shoving the paper to the teacher and getting those points.

And I feel like I've learned nothing. I remember very little of what I learned last year, though I remember tons of APEC. And the thing is - I remember most everything my teachers taught me themselves. I remember little of what I did outside of school on my own. Basing things on a points system to teach me to do stuff outside of school and get rewarded with points is actually not nearly as beneficial as we all hoped it would be. It just taught me - and others - that doing the work gets you the points. Getting the points gets you the grade. Getting the grade gets you the college. Getting the college gets you the career.

But what have we actually learned?

That's not what I want school to be about, for me. I want to work hard to learn the material, not earn the grade. I don't want to be a grade whore, who believes those letters define my future. I want to learn and put it toward good use. I want to learn and retain things I can use in my lifetime.

And it gets harder and harder to do so everyday.

Is the pressure to get into college the blame? Partially. There are lots of factors in my opinion - for example, the vast information at our fingertips with this wondrous Internet. If it weren't for that, I would be writing this all in a diary right now. When I didn't know a word in APUSH, I just typed it into the search bar and it popped right up. Did I remember it for the test? Sure. Do I remember it now? No. And that's not Mr. Lewis' fault - that's my fault. That's technology's fault. The temptation was there, and I didn't resist it. I got the grade but paid the consequence. It is brutal.

And it only gets harder. I came into senior year with the full intention of only taking courses that I was genuinely interested in, but I can't even bring myself to read an entire page of my textbook. I have a larger attention span than most, but it is not nearly what it used to be, thanks to all this instant satisfaction.

What used to be so easy for me - to just sit down and knock all my homework out of the way - is now so, so difficult. No matter how much the content in the book interests me, I can't focus on it for long. Maybe it's because my mother's in the hospital right now. Maybe it's because we're discussing phantom pain in AP Psychology and it makes me want to cry thinking of waking up to my brother screaming in pain from it all those years ago. Maybe it's because I'm overtired and need a good night's sleep - even though I've been going to bed at 9 every night for several weeks now. Maybe it's because...

But the thing is, I just don't know what it is. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm still burned out from sophomore year, but I have to keep chugging anyway. My results have been productive, but at what cost?

I know I'm not the only one. We're losing it, people. I can't type a sentence into a homework assignment without flicking over to Facebook. And that has got to stop.

This is my truth. And one blog post won't change anything, I know. But if even one person reads this, then maybe they'll know, too. I just want life to be a little more long-term rewarding rather than instant-gratification. I want life to have its value again.

And I want AP courses that are filled with people who love the subject, not people who just want to go to college.

Is that too much to ask?

Noise is On

2011-09-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Why? Because I not only got the part, I got single cast as the female lead. I am so incredibly humbled and just... well, to be frank, in shock. I never thought this would happen, but I'm so glad it has.

Funny when you think about it, that two years ago I was praying to just get into Taming of the Shrew, and I got ensemble, and two years later I was praying to just get into Noises Off, and I got a lead. I'm not saying it's ever so wonderful of me and aren't I a wonderful person for not changing my expectations, but I'm just glad that feeling has never gone away for me, because I think its good for all aspects of my life - in theater and writing especially, you can never just assume you're going to get the - or a - part.

With that said, my life is once again delightfully busy. And I'm so, so happy about it.

Tally ho!

The Noise is Off

2011-09-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

Why? Because ~~I'm a senior~~ I'm writing the feature article for griefHaven magazine and I'm zonked. My brain is fried. I've had to go into some pretty deeply repressed stuff, and it kind of threw off my schedule for this blog. For today, at least.

So uh... let's see... auditions for Noises Off went (hopefully) well today, we'll see if I can get a part, aaannnd... that's about it.

-shrug- I'm not in a very bloggy mood right now. I'll try again tomorrow if I think of something.

'Til next time, tally ho!

The Worst of Writing (or rather, how we do it anyway)

2011-09-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

I think, in the grand scheme of the chaotic mess that is constructing (and er, writing) a novel is the planning itself.

Now, this only goes for me personally, because planning my books is less complicated than say, plotting out the Harry Potter franchise, but difficult in its own merit because of the substance I have to frame my message around.

In simpler terms? It's hard to develop a friggin' plot when you just want to share an emotion.

Not that I don't have a plot, mind you, because I do. The trick is to keep it interesting enough to bring the reader into the emotion you want to convey. Currently I cannot have my characters float along at a stalemate -- something has to happen that will bode why I chose to bring you into the story at that certain point in time, not just randomly popping in to see how life goes.

And I currently have my reasons, but they do not seem enticing enough. I know I'm being so vague you're feeling stuff, but I really don't like to discuss my plots until I'm comfortable enough or far enough along in the story to share them. I'm still experimenting and developing right now.

So with these not-quite-enticing-yet reasons, which stand well as a motive and incentive to reach the end of the book but not so much to keep the reader reading (am I driving you crazy with vagueness yet?), I have to configure another reason to keep the reader going. The story itself is interesting enough, but there's a lot of books out there that would seem to have good plot and then end up being drier than the paint on my walls (-gazes sadly at Twilight-).

So just to be fair to you poor readers who must struggle with my absolute vagueness, let me just say this: If you ever write a novel, I hope you know that there is so much more to it than merely sitting down and writing words. I hope you also know that there isn't much more to it than merely sitting down and writing words.

What I mean is, everyone's got a different style in how they write their books. Some carry journals. Some use sticky notes. Some outline each chapter. Some just write and then go back and flesh out aspects. Some write the story out of order. Some... well, you get the picture.

My style? It varies, but generally, I keep a separate Word document where I just write down all my random crap about my book. Characters' names, class schedules (if they're teenagers), the plot, the motive, future scenes I want to write (or have already written and are waiting to be inserted into the book itself), ideas, character breakdowns... a lot of very blunt, very scary stuff. And I say scary because I look back through my document of Slipping Reality time to time and want to punch myself in the head for the moments when I wrote those words and were like "OMG INSPIRATION ALERT" and reading them today I'm more along the lines of "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING."

I write very bluntly in those documents, because I'm literally writing out my thought process. That's what helps me think, is just writing freely and then looking back and seeing what bits and pieces of plot I can pick from it.

Next, my style involves just simple writing. I always get a good feeling that a book I'm writing is going to good (or at least, completed) when I can come up with the title on the spot. And by on the spot, I mean literally, fresh Word document, staring at page one, go. It was for my first (awful, but entertaining) teen novel, it was so for Slipping Reality, and it is so for my current novel as well (whose title, if I haven't already revealed [I never remember what I put on this darned blog], I will soon enough).

Then, I just start to write. Literally. I just start. I dive in - usually with a prologue. I like the character setting up their story before it begins, because I'm rather rubbish at first chapters. I'm very business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back, if we're going to compare my books to a mullet.

Which is the next hardest thing - figuring out how to merge into the actual plot and get the party started. Just as complicated as a mullet, if you ask me.

When is it proper to stop setting up and start partying? 20 pages in? This question is rather... well, stupid, because honestly as a writer you start whenever the hell you want. That's the fun of writing - YOU get the control. But I'm reading A Farewell to Arms right now, and trust me, just wandering into the story as its already happening is not always fun. You want to get to know and care about the character first before they go off and have something happen to them, and I KNOW HEMINGWAY, THAT'S EXACTLY YOUR POINT BUT NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU.

Erm, sorry.

And again, may I stress that every author faces a different battle in writing. I'm just talking about mine, so don't think these parts of writing are as hard or necessarily apply as accurately to any writer. But for me, personally, I get to know a character of mine quickly, and quite well - though of course I get better as I go along. Therefore, I could talk about them forever before getting down to business, but then again, I'm eager to start. Makes sort of a chaotic mess in my head, because hmmm, when will I decide to wreak havoc upon my main character?

Yeah, that was a power moment for me, sorry.

I'm ranting, as you can see. I've got a lot to write about writing. But today that's the topic I had on my mind, considering I was plotting out ways to make my book more interesting and whatnot.

And finally, reminder that my book signing is this weekend at the Mira Mesa Barnes & Noble from 2-4, if not longer given the very plausible chance I'm hounded by fans (right).

And if you're not there, I'm going to assume you were either eaten by sharks, jet-skiing with Obama (who also has no excuse), or too busy fighting aliens, in which case, good for you.

End rant. Tally ho.

The Next Big Step (also known as Things I Talk About When I Have Writer's Block)

2011-08-31T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yeaaahhh. Writer's Block is a bitch. And I do reserve that word for extreme situations. But, as my writing discipline commands me, I'm writing my way through it with this blog post. Though because of it I can't promise the start of Blogging A Very Potter Sequel this week. I need to get my act together because my last attempts at writing the first article was Pitiful with a capital P.

Also, does writing out "Pitiful with a capital P" seem redundant? It seems redundant to type all that out. I think you all can tell that the Pitiful was spelled with a capital P. Gah, the English language.

Anyway.

So the "Big Step" I'm alluding to in the title is in fact the topic of college. A lot of my friends have already left for college, or have started college but are local (you guys rock), and there of course there's me filling out college apps and wanting to tear my heart out and sell it for financial aid and an acceptance letter.

See, I just wonder how things will change. Who I'll keep in touch with, who will fade away... I mean, with the exception of my closest friends, I never mind too much when I find someone drifting away from me. That's life, it happens, I've learned as much. But I think it'll be hard adjusting to life away from those who are important to me - because I'll do all I can to keep in touch while still grabbing all these new and fresh experiences by the horns, but I can't guarantee they'd do the same for me.

Which is fine too, I suppose. If it's not meant to last it won't. And I'll do all I can to always be surrounded by the most amazing of people.

But one of the things I am thankful for in this conundrum (can you tell I have writer's block if I used a word like "conundrum"?), no matter how much I never thought I would feel this way... I am truly glad to have had my two best friends, Lauren and Alyson move to the other side of the country.

Why? Because it proved to me that the true friendships can weather any storm. The time difference is a nasty little bugger, but we make it work. We talk. We watch movies over Netflix online. We Skype (thank you, technology). We keep each other in our lives and when we slip from that standpoint, well, that means its time for a good five hour long catch-up session where completely incoherent yet seemingly deep thoughts are shared and both the inner and outer workings of life are talked through.

Lately I have felt sorry I haven't been quite as able to keep them, especially Alyson, up to speed (since she had to be a brainy scientist and stay in New York this summer), so this is my apology about that. But regardless, the fact that I lost them before sophomore year started and now come senior year we're even closer than we were when they left... to me, that's remarkable. I've had a lot of friends move away and lose touch. But having these two move away made me feel more prepared to whether the separations and experience of college.

I'm all about meeting new people and trying new things. I'm all about how much college will change me. I'm all about the new things I will do, the new things I will learn, the new life I will have, and the new people that will fill it. But I can't forget where I come from, and I don't intend to. I can only hope that those closest to me will feel the same.

End ramble. May the writer's block have its own personal plague (really? Fiddler quotes six months later? Really?)!

Tally ho!

A Review

2011-08-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I've gotten some reviews here and there of my book, but this is the first one I've received that I have no idea who it's from (because it's Anonymous, what up). It's on the Barnes & Noble page for Slipping Reality, and God, it made me so happy.

Here to share:

Rating: 5 stars :)

Highly Recommend for anyone from the age of 13 to 99 (sorry if your 12 or 100)
This was a wonderful read, just could not put it down. The author does a great job bringing you along this journey of emotional struggle, not only with dealing with a terminally ill sibling but the struggle every child has in transitioning from the idealistic world of youth to the reality of their life. I am totally stunned to know the author was 14, I would not be surprised to learn that the age was transposed and she is really 41.

Truly, I feel so blessed having something like this to read. Thanks for all your continued support. And if you're in the San Diego area, please come visit me at my first book signing September 10th. Info is on my official website, emilysreality.com.

But in less serious news, because I can't write the word "review" without chuckling to myself, here's my favorite review of all time. Comes equipped with awful grammar and a lifetime of new jokes.

Reasons Why I Still Don't Believe I'm a Senior

2011-08-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

1. When they asked the juniors to stand up, even though I was sitting in the esteemed white chairs seniors get to sit in on the first day of school assembly, I still made a move to stand with them.

2. I still had to figure out where the E building was, even though I've had a ton of classes there.

3. I was also once nine years old. When did that stop happening?

4. I smacked myself in the face with my senior shirt as I waved it in the air. Oh so classy.

5. This is the least excited I've ever been for a first day of school. But that mostly had to do with the whole waking up early part.

6. People keep coming up to me to talk about Slipping Reality, and then they ask me about college and I'm like WAIT THOSE TWO THINGS ARE HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME!?

7. I spend more time hunting down Disney things and skipping around my house singing than I do carefully planning out college apps.

8. I still giggle whenever someone stares at me straight on for no reason whatsoever.

9. I'm not dignified enough to pass up the opportunity for an immature jibe at my friends in relationships.

10. I still think Converse are cooler than Toms.

11. I still prefer going to Disneyland over going to Europe.

12. I really freaking can't believe I'm a senior.

Oh well. Time will adjust.

Tally ho!

An Attempt to Revamp this Blog

2011-08-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Because seriously, now that I'm published, I have an excuse to keep one of these.

But what to write about? My life? I can do that. It just won't necessarily be interesting since I'm not really the kind to flame people who piss me off or go into detail about things that are personal to me but may be personal to others as well. I'm totally cool with elaborating on my own inner stuff, but when it concerns other people it just seems mean.

And I'm really not a fan of reading or posting things that say "o wow guess u don't care after all. that's cool."

Who is "u"? Is this some sort of secret code name for every person who has ever wronged you? Will they know it was them and by seeing this status be prompted to change their ways? Is your lack of punctuation or time to complete the word "oh" a metaphor for hasty relationships? Hot damn, Facebook is so magical.

You know what else is? Sarcasm.

Right, right, so, this blog.

So here's what I will try to do: Post once a week, every Wednesday. It's Saturday today, but oh well. That's right around my deadline for SparkNotes (which would be Tuesday night), so there's a better chance I'll be in a blogging mood. If I don't have any writing news, then I will attempt to entertain with my stunning wit and charm.

I also start senior year next Wednesday. Bring out the dancing lobsters!

Anyway, as for the writing news, I will be having my debut book signing at the Mira Mesa Barnes and Noble in San Diego, California. I will be there September 10th from 2PM on, so feel free to stop by, buy a book, and I'll sign it, talk to you, and answer any and all questions you have and dole out hugs per request or in overload of emotion. Honestly. Feel free to be obnoxious about it because I probably will be. Hope to see you all there!

Tally ho!

Dubrovnik, Croatia

2011-07-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

Internet on cruise = success, but I'm limited by minutes and about to head on another adventure so I'll keep this short:

Today I explored the city of Dubrovnik, Croatia, and my God, if it isn't one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Jam-packed with tourists, of course, but I can understand why--it's so beautiful! It's guarded by one of the greenest hills I've ever seen, and the architecture is old stone and cobbled pavement that makes you feel like you're walking in a storybook land. The food was amazing (always a big part of me enjoying a trip xD) and the shops had exquisite (but expensive) things to sell.

I'm absolutely in love with this place, and it's perfect for the new story I have in my head (shhh!).

In other news, not that this is important or anything, but my book is now available on Amazon and barnes and noble.com. Go buy it. BUY IT, I SAY!

Ciao!

2011-07-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Hello what bloggers there may be out there! I have just arrived in Rome for the start of what will surely be a fabulous 17th birthday. It's been two years running this blog and I can't believe how far I've come (and also, um, how less frequent posts are--sorry!).

This will be a short one, but a good one: I love Rome so far. I've only been here for a few hours, but I absolutely adore it. Very nice people, very beautiful city (duh), and just being somewhere new makes me smile so big.

I used to fear change a lot when I was little, actually. I mean, I think all of us do in some aspect or another, but I really hated it. I've grown out of that, and while shyness does sometimes get the best of me I love experiencing new places, living with other cultures and seeing what life brings for them. People are my favorite part of anywhere I go--meeting the people. And thus far, Italians are simply lovely.

I leave for the cruise on the 20th, and tomorrow's my birthday. While I probably won't blog on the cruise (Internet x.x), I hopefully will write more. Or not. But let's hope.

Tally ho!

Things That Are Keeping Me Busy Until Slipping Reality is Released

2011-06-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

1. Drivers Ed. Now that my book is essentially out of my hands and I'm not in a show, I have no excuse anymore. =/

2. Netflix. Oh, how I love thee.

3. Portal 2. I love a good puzzle.

4. Preparation for one fabulous 17th birthday/Slipping Reality celebration--a cruise traveling through Italy, Greece, Croatia, and Turkey, and a birthday in Rome with my lovely grandparents.

5. College apps.

6. Writing miscellaneous things for friends and myself

7. Studying the play "The Amish Project" by Jessica Dickey, a freakin' marvelous piece. I'd love to perform it someday.

8. AP Lit summer assignment

9. My other writing jobs--if you miss me and this blog (-tumbleweed rolls past, oh wait-), check out my blogging duties over at SparkLife. Besides the Confidence Pants story published forever ago, I now do a series for them blogging my experience watching A Very Potter Musical for the first time. http://community.sparknotes.com/tag/blogging-avpm

10. Friends fit in here, somewhere.

11. Studying music--theory, rhythm, sight-reading, the actual singing part, the works.

12. Looking forward to my senior year. Was it sophomore year I started this blog? I believe it was.

The cover for Slipping Reality was recently revealed to me, and I bloody adore it. I'll post it here closer to the release date, but let's just say it's everything I dreamed it would be and more--because it's simple. Beautifully simple.

So glad to finally have news, you know. See you on the other side!

Tally ho!

At last. At long, long, last

2011-06-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened, the good and few readers of you there are out there. Slipping Reality is being published.

I'm very excited, and I'll be keeping updates on this blog about it--it should be released around September, and you can buy it online anywhere and for any eBook reader.

Glad to finally have something to report. Tally ho!

Life's difficulties and their strengths.

2011-04-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

This week hasn't been going well for me, thus far. Yesterday I was pretty miserable grieving wise, and my day at school only made things worse. Things are tough in choir right now, and I'm really struggling with that as well.

But only small commentary on choir (or not): I'm just sorry I'm not a better musician. I've always had an auditory disability that's hard to explain and define, but regardless there are some people who just get sight reading and rhythm and I'm not one of them. Maybe I would have been if I had stuck with piano, but let's face it--piano's not my passion. I took it up again to become better at singing, and it has helped, but still, I'd flunk out of a theory class in an hour. Or less.

But just because I may not be Die Lieders material--yet, or ever--doesn't mean I don't try. I practice my music a lot outside of school, I work on sight-reading and rhythm and tonal memory and all of that. I'm not terrible at it, I'm just not great at it either. And when I get into a section that makes mistakes, then my practice just falls apart because I'm hearing the wrong notes and I get thrown off. Also, solfedge can be a killer, but I've gotten better at it.

But even though the last two days in choir have made me want to cry and completely hate myself as a musician, I'm not going to give up. I still love my teacher, I still love my class, I still love my choir, and I'm sorry I'm not as good as I should be. I do try, though, and I hope that matters, and I hope that's noticed.

I've never thought I was good enough for Women's Ensemble, and I know I'm not good enough for Die Lieders, but that doesn't matter to me. Because when it comes down to it, I love to sing. I love to perform. And I've had a lot of difficult days--whether in productions, classes, or concerts--that have really shattered my confidence. But it doesn't stop me from doing what I love, because I just want to get better.

This is all pretty corny, but it is how I feel--I guess I just hope that anyone out there who ever feels deterred from an interest loves it enough to keep going. Because while maybe I'm being cracked down on a little too hard that I am literally scared to put forth my skills, that's not my teacher's fault, that's mine--I just need to get over my intimidation and step forward, no matter what anyone thinks of me for it.

That's it, I guess, I'm already finding this blog post to be very boring for anyone other than me. I guess I'll move on...

...oh wait, I have nothing else to talk about. Never mind.

Tomorrow's Matthew's 20th birthday. Should be interesting.

Tally ho!

Writing news, at long last!

2011-04-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

It's not much, but it's pretty cool: I was published online over at SparkNotes with a small story about my brother for this awesome thing they call Confidence Pants Week. Funny story, I was home sick on Monday and saw the post, figured I'd give it a shot, whipped out a story in thirty minutes and sent it over. And lo and behold, published it was.

If you haven't already--I've received overwhelming love for the article and I'm very grateful for that--you can view it right here: http://community.sparknotes.com/2011/03/29/confidence-pants-stories-letting-the-light-shine-through

As for The Big Book... well, when I have news, I'll post it.

Tally ho!

Chicks are crazy, man.

2011-03-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

Being an avid user of Facebook solely for the purpose of keeping in touch with my friends I can't see as often as I would like, I come along a lot of crap on there that tends to just piss me off.

Like pages are one example. Yes, I'm a bit of hypocrite here but I have liked pages in the past, but I'm talking about the ones that are so ridiculous and like a bad attempt at social attack here. For example, and I quote, "B0Y- WHY DONT YOU LIKE ME? GIRL- I DO LIKE YOU. ITS JUST. . . BOY- JUST WHAT?! GIRL- IM SO AFRAID TO FALL AGAIN. BOY- THIS IS DIFFERENT. GIRL- HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT? BOY- BECAUSE THIS TIME, ILL CATCH YOU©"

This is the point where I want to throw things at my computer.

Aww, how sweet, I get it. But I think its awful how girls are thrust into a society where they feel so insecure they must shout these things about how they dream for guys to be like that. For one thing, that's not fair to the guys--they have just as much issues as us, they don't need us nagging them about what they should be. I mean, yes, it would be nice if all guys were just born like that, but they aren't. And it's ridiculous and unrealistic for us to expect them to be.

Now, are there guys like that out there? Yes, and get 'em while they're hot. (Hyuk hyuk) And maybe if you're lucky enough (maybe if I'm lucky enough, too--don't forget despite my rant I am also, in fact, a straight girl), you will find one. But in the meantime, it pains me to realize just how unstable girls in our society can be--it's nice to dream of having a partner like that one day, but to genuinely need one is what frightens me. That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy, and I've seen a lot of relationships fail because of that--because while the girl might be ready, the guy won't be--and he shouldn't be. I know my more than fair share of idiotic high schoolers, but I can't hate them for that--in fact, I don't. I love them, because that's what they are. And one day, they'll be stunning up-and-coming gentlemen. That's what is nice to remember.

I'm really ranting here, but I guess I just got so sick of glancing at my News Feed and seeing all these pleas for something highly unrealistic. Love like that does exist, but not when you're twelve. Not even when you're sixteen. You're twelve. You're sixteen. You can wait.

And yeah, I suppose I could delete those people or my Facebook, but I'm not necessarily angry about it--I'm just angry at society that makes girls feel like they need a guy to be beautiful. People can tell you that you're beautiful every day of the week, but unless you believe it to be true yourself, you'll never once take to heart what they say. You might believe it when they say it, have it make your day and smile (as it does mine), but if at the end of the day you don't still believe it, then by tomorrow you're attacking yourself again. It's a vicious cycle. Which is why despite myself, I still remember every time somebody has given me a compliment--because yeah, we're human, those things help. And I don't always believe I'm beautiful. But for the guy who one day will believe it, I believe in myself.

So right now, there's this list on Facebook about What Guys Should Do For Girls or whatever. I will post it as follows, with delightful commentary:
Things Guys Should Know About Girls

1. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out. Because girls never lie either about our emotional issues, or anything.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you
enjoy listening. So why even start in the first place?
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t. Well, this one I agree with.
4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest! Because you don't find Taylor Lautner hot anymore once you have your man.
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s
like. This one I must also agree with.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook;
doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. So basically if you cheat on us, just get us flowers? Healthy relationship.
7. If you talk about having a big dick; we know you don’t. You're twelve, this should not matter.
8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that
want relationships. -headdesk-
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr. Big. Who is "we"? Believe it or not, some girls like it when guys are cocky. Why was Han Solo such a ladies man? (And no, I am not saying I am one of those girls, though I do appreciate confidence)
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us. Homeboys?
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe. Now that's just mean. She must have had some taste if she's dated the same guy you're into now. You guys break up, what does that make you?
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes. But all the time is just sissy, apparently.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t,
apologize. Because God forbid the girl ever does anything wrong.
14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won’t always cut it. Okay, yeah, that can get boring, but if you hate the date so much, plan your own.
15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it. True life, unfortunately.
16. We are DrAmA queens. Not all of us. I'm just naturally theatrical. About singing obnoxiously, anyway.
17. Fashion police do exist. Oh come on. Is this all we look for?
18. Don’t ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it. -headdesk-
19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car
systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about. Stereotypes. I know for a fact some girls do. A better rephrase would be to stay on topics you both take an interest in, rather than insult the guy for his interests. So he likes those things, we like Justin Bieber, apparently. Are we gonna gush over him with our boyfriends? God, I hope not.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times. So when the moments are actually right, it's really not special at all?
21.eWe don’t shave our legs evryday so get over it. But you must always be dressed appropriately, God.
22. Don’t make bets about us; we always find out. Girls are ninjas.
23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatte or
beard or mustache looks, we hate it. Some girls dig the beard. Johnny Depp, anyone?
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt
other strange gases from your body, it is not. Believe it or not, some girls either find it hilarious or don't care.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s;
hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot
at ours than you ever will with hers) -headdesk-
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets. Uh, agreed. What guy have you dated that has done this?
27. We are beautiful at all times. Maybe if you actually believed this yourself you would be. :(
28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell
us we aren’t. -sighs-
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big
fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why
the hell can’t you piss in the toilet and not on it. Point, but this is just mean. We can do our hair, makeup, nails, and outfits, but God forbid we date a guy who won't tell us we're beautiful in our sweatpants and bedhead?
30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don’t
forget it. This just frustrates me.
31) We like a man that knows the difference between Whirlpool parts and body parts. -headdesk-
32) Watching for shooting stars is more romantic than watching you play video games. Agreed, but there are girls out there who like video games, and they're pretty cool.
33) In a galaxy far, far away there was once a man that used his brain first and not other appendages. And his name was ~~Han Solo~~ ~~Luke Skywalker~~ ~~Anakin Skywalker~~ C-3PO. No seriously, I can't think of anyone else who used their head. And we're talking about a shiny gold robot thing, which really doesn't say much about our gend--OOH SHINY!

The defense rests.

Tally ho!

PS -- If you posted that, I don't blame you. I'm just expressing how I feel--because I want you to feel beautiful and just let a guy reinforce that, not provide it. That is all. Also, disclaimer, I do not like Justin Bieber, but I hear she's a very nice girl.

Happy

2011-03-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I feel so inexplicably happy right now.

I don't think I really want to know why. I think I just want to hold onto this for as long as I can.

But I am. I'm really happy right now. And I've probably mentioned it before on this blog, but the best kind of happiness is the kind where nothing influences it or inspires it or makes it so--it's just where I feel so good just because I do. I think I wrote it much more eloquently in one of my pieces of writing... ah... here it is--

"It's the kind of happiness where I'm surrounded in nothing but mountains of sorrow, but I still manage to pluck the nearest dandelion and make a wish."

I'm not exactly surrounded in mountains of sorrow at present--though not to say there aren't things in my life that aren't perfect--but God, do I live for moments and days like these. Where I'm just solely, completely, happy.

If anything, that's what in life you should hold out for.

This blog remains without news. You know I'll let you know when I have some.

Tally ho!

Nothing woth having in life comes easy.

2011-03-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

Alright, here's some food for thought: Nothing worth having in life comes easy, right?

Or at least, that's what I've told myself for a long time now. Everything in my life that I'm grateful and blessed to have, I worked my tail off to get.

But should that be true? Should family, friends, and love not come easy?

For some people, at least one of the three are very easy to come by. For those lucky ducks out there, all three. For me, I'd give it two out of three. Love does not come easy to me, but then again I have no idea what I'm doing with it. It's worth it, though, that I know--but should it come easy? Should friends, family?

Biased as I am, I feel that they should. But for a lot of people, and for myself included, that's not how life works. I wish it was.

But even people who are so extraordinarily wonderful, who can have all three things come easily to them, might not even realize it because they're curbed by personal insecurity. I've seen a lot of that lately--some of the most wonderful people I've met, who seem to have it all going for them, might hear that all the time, but they themselves don't believe it. Everyone has their faults, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm kind of just rambling here, as I still feel guilty being such a suckish blogger as of late. But I say that nothing worth having in life comes easy a lot, and then I realized I never really questioned it that much--I just sort of believed.

What do you think?

The Curse of the Good Girl

2011-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

Many apologies for being so suckish at updating. I don't have the time I used to have to be able to post once a week, but I haven't had much to talk about beyond my busy life. I could talk about the shows I've been doing and the wonderful people I've been meeting, but I failed to find the significance in posting that to the Internet. If you want to know, just ask. xD

However, since this blog was created to be a sort of authorly output from me (especially when I'm in the midst of Writer's Block... -clears throat-), I do have to mention how much my day was brightened when I received an email from someone I have never met, all the way in Saudi Arabia, telling me how much my story in Chicken Soup for the Soul changed their life.

Even though the email was no novel, and the English wasn't perfect (would you honestly expect it to be?), none of that mattered. All my life I've had one goal, and that goal is to inspire people--and if not people, then somebody, at least one. And the fact that somebody I've never met took the time to send me an email and tell me about how my written work has helped them... even as a writer I can't put that feeling into words. I just felt it in the tears that streamed down my face as I read the email, because I was so, so happy, so honored, and felt so very, very blessed.

So many thanks for that, sincerely. I have accomplished a life goal at sixteen, not everyone can say that.

I titled this blog post "The Curse of the Good Girl" after a non-fiction book I read for APEL by Rachel Simmons. I'm not going to talk much about it, but if you're a teenage girl, good or not, I highly recommend it. I like to think I have a much stronger sense of self than the girls Simmons diagnoses in this book, but even I can't deny how many of the Good Girl struggles apply to me. I think the desire to be perfect runs in all of us, male or female. And sometimes the embarrassment that we aren't is what keeps us from trying.

Anyway, that's all for now. Again, I'm sorry for not updating, but honestly, if I've got nothing to say, you wouldn't want to read it anyway. xD

'Til next time!

Tally ho!

Humorless Funk

2010-12-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, if there was actually any concern about how much I suck at updating the blog recently, you may start throwing stones at me. I only request the stones be made out of chocolate, and peppermint bark is accepted for the holidays.

I've been--brace yourselves--very busy. Book publishing as it goes has been very slow, which is why I've been even more reluctant to update. Sure, there's been news--I got my first endorsement!--and my new query letter is full of awesome, but let's face it, there's just not much to report. It's really a shame that the process is so annoyingly slow, but oh well, the fact that I have about a million and a half other things going on in my life keeps me from losing my mind.

While also making me lose my mind. Vicious cycle, you know how I roll.

So, let's see here--I'm in two shows right now. Again. I never really got the chance to talk about As You Like It, so I'll recap it briefly here:

For one thing, I just read over my last real blog post, and holy crap I'm really quite ~~batshit insane~~ delightful when I'm sick. I don't do drugs, but perhaps me being sick is the equivalent to being on them. What was that tortoise crap? Oh, Past Emily. -shakes head-

Anyway, As You Like It was, well... it had its moments. I have to admit, I'd never been more relieved to be done with a show, but it was only because of how burned out I was. I didn't even get to celebrate Halloween this year, I had way too much to do. I do miss the cast though, there were lots of good times to be had.

A few weeks later, I decided I had suffered actually having time to do other things enough and decided to audition for the school musical. The musical is run by the choir department, which is separate from Theater Guild--and technically, I'm a part of both. (If you don't remember, I'm in one of the advanced choirs, Women's Ensemble) The school musical was actually what inspired me to leave private school in the first place--I saw The Music Man in 8th grade and was so blown away I knew I had to come be a part of it.

Unfortunately, I got the news of my brother's inevitable death right around auditions for Guys & Dolls freshman year, and figured committing to a show wasn't in my best interest. I did join Beginning Choir second semester, however, though that was the extent of my choir history as my sophomore year schedule had no room for choir. =[ Sophomore year, I was so overwhelmed with my busy schedule (which I now laugh at in reminiscing) and so desperate to be more welcomed in Theater Guild that I stuck with Leading Ladies.

Now, it was just all depending on what the musical was going to be--if it was something like The Secret Garden, well... I think I'm good being in just one production of that. xD Don't get me wrong--The Secret Garden is one of my new favorites, but being in two of the same show at the same time is just ridiculous--but if they decided to put on, let's say, Wicked (not possible, I don't think you could get the rights to that), then I wouldn't exactly hesitate.

I struck luck, though (or lack thereof, if you're Team Buy Emily Some Time Already), when the musical was announced as Fiddler on the Roof.

And let's be stereotypical here--I love Fiddler. I'm Jewish, if I weren't at the least raised on it (which I was), I should be obsessed with it in some way or another.

I almost auditioned, and then I almost didn't. That's a rather complicated story I don't really care to tell, but what it came down to was that I did audition, and since it was my first musical at Poway and I felt really off performance wise, I was convinced I'd be in the ensemble.

I went to scan the list, and when I didn't see myself in the ensemble, I thought I hadn't made it. Until I looked up at the top, and saw my name there--because I got the part of Yente.

It may seem like I'm milking this out to be some huge significant event, but hear me out guys--I really don't have much faith in myself as an actress. I've got so much to learn, so far to go. So when I get a part that's above ensemble, that's truly something spectacular to me. And honestly, I hope that feeling of disbelief and joy never goes away for me. I truly was so, so surprised. And so thankful.

So yeah, I'm now in two shows--Fiddler on the Roof and The Secret Garden. The Secret Garden goes up in--holy cow, is it really in just over two weeks?--and then once it closes on January 23rd, Fiddler will open on February 4th and run for two weekends. And God, I'm just having so much fun. I love both my casts so much--they're just wonderful people to work with, and I feel great.

So why did I title this post "Humorless Funk"? Because right now it's Winter Break. Which is wonderful, but when I'm on break, all of my extra-curricular activities tend to go away (for the first time since August, I have no rehearsal for an entire week. Unbelievable!) and I find myself with nothing to do.

It kind of makes me lose my mind a little.

So if you happen to run into me and I'm walking into walls, that would be why. I don't do well if I don't have something to do. And it throws me into a humorless funk because I feel like my wit has completely dried up.

Which is total rubbish when I'm trying to catch up on my writing.

This blog post grows long, and that's all I really need to say--hopefully my wits shall be restored among me soon.

'Til then, and I'm sorry that I've been such a slug about updating--as you can see, I really haven't got the time--have a Merry Christmas, all. ONLY THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL THE DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL--

Erm, sorry.

Tally ho!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T13:07:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry I've been so rubbish at updating this blog. I've never been busier, and now that I've been cast as Yente in Fiddler on the Roof (woooooo!), I'm going to have even less time.

But for the most part, all is well. I've got so much to do, so much I want to do--you know, it's the usual.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone, and I promise I'll return to this blog as soon as I am able.

Tally ho!

I just... don't even know.

2010-11-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Another student at my school passed away this morning.

I don't understand why this community just can't escape death.

RIP Tyler Peterson. I hope wherever you are, you're safe.

Illness, incoherency, and great news. Sometimes a dastardly combination.

2010-10-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Irony really does enjoy clocking my life over the head with its claws of irony fury, but whatever, we learn to roll with it.

Last post, I was talking about going to Burn the Floor and as usual complaining about how busy I am (what? No!). Burn the Floor was AWESOME (it's hard for it not to be awesome when this is primarily the same West End cast I strolled by while in London... and now they're all dancing for me shirtless... except for the girls, that would be controversial), but I wasn't sure why I was so exhausted when I had slept in for the first time in like, seven weeks that day and I still couldn't focus on the smothering of 100% genuine hotness happening on the dance floor. Then again, my first Homecoming (my friends wore me down--it's junior year, got to go to a dance sometime, I guess) was the night before, but I got home by 11:30, so things could be worse, right?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAno. Sorry, it's just I typed that sentence as totally serious and then realized how stupid it was. No, Saturday, the day of Homecoming, I had five hours of dance rehearsal for The Secret Garden, came home at 5:50, got ready for the dance in twenty minutes to make it over to Katelyn's for pictures (that's right, I am the Woman of SPEED), and spent the next six hours of photos, dinner, dancing, and after-party at In N Out (the only place to go when Homecoming dances end up being really lame) in moderately high heels. I don't wear heels often, so that's always a fun experience.

This is the result of 5 hours of dancing remedied by the world's quickest shower and throwing on of dress and makeup and cool bow thing. Not bad, eh? Also, photo props to Katelyn, my mega-photographer friend.

So let's just say that Sunday my limbs weren't fully functioning. Those keeping score at home, that's eleven hours of alien Emily movement. Dance + high heels = kuhfuhmuhnuhpah. Huzzah!

So I thought I'd take Monday off school and attend rehearsal for As You Like It only instead. Thankfully, I wasn't called for Secret Garden rehearsal on Monday (though even if I was, I have listed on my conflicts that I can't attend at all this week or next--this is the final stretch for As You Like It), so I could take a day, relax a bit, get my crazy life in order, allow me a couple hours to properly grieve, maybe run around my house and have a pirate battle with Nala (what? The dog's got skills), and just unwind a bit.

Turns out I wake up feeling like crapbuckets.

Thanks to my headache, I don't want to move. Thanks to whoever decided it'd be totally hilarious and awesome to set my throat on fire, I don't want to swallow, eat, or drink. Thanks to my stuffy nose, breathing is now for losers. Thanks to my grieving limbs over the Great Emily Alien Movement of Saturday Yore, walking is also for losers who think they're the ex-boyfriends Taylor Swift sings about. Thanks to my fever, did somebody set the world on fire or am I currently starring in a rock music video where the world's on fire and me and the boys gotta rock our way to the moon for some righteous R&R?

What? I'm sick.

Normally when I get sick, it's generally a 24 hour dealie. My immune system loves me, usually, so if I wake up with a cold it's usually gone by the evening or when I wake up the next day. When I get truly sick, I'm out for one, maybe two, rarely three days.

It's Thursday, and I'm no better than I was on Tuesday.

I'm starting to suspect some serious Inception here, especially since I now have this overwhelming urge to think about elephants and destroy my father's empire, which would mean eating all of the cinnamon rolls he baked for me. Damn you, Chris Nolan, my evil older twin.

Also, I don't know if you noticed, but making sense while I'm sick is not part of my job description. Don't think I'm not aware of how ~~totally made of awesome~~ incoherent I am right now. But I actually do have news to share, so just trudge your way through the minefields of AHHHHHHSICKNESSWEEEEE and you'll arrive at a publishing-related piece of news, I promise.

And maybe one of my dad's cinnamon rolls, but only if you're truly awesome enough. But not you Chris Nolan. You still owe me that part in Batman 3 and I haven't seen you since our Family Reunion this summer. Are we still doing Thanksgiving? Let me know.

It's difficult having him as an evil older twin, let me tell you guys. (And I only claim that because I wrote Slipping Reality way before Inception came out, so clearly we've got some evil twin telepathy going on here)

Okay, so as you can tell, I'm not my fully coherent self today (or maybe I'm just being my more random head-in-the-clouds self--she exists, you know), but I'm mostly miffed I've been sick for this long. I've been literally living in the theater for all these days, watching Disney movie after Disney movie, eating like twelve containers of sorbet, watching everything from Doctor Who episodes (I watched Blink while half-asleep, not my best idea) to Princess and the Frog, which has been awesome, but I'm missing so much rehearsal it's crazy. I'm prepared for my part and all that, but I'm worried about my throat. If my voice isn't back by Tuesday we're screwed. I'll still sound like an old lady, but a very quiet old lady. The bird will kill me.

But none of that matters now, because PUBLISHING NEWS! AT LONG LAST!

Okay, guys, don't get too excited, but it's nice to have some news in a while, isn't it? A little break from me drawling on and on about my ~~totally awesome and interesting secret life as a pirate tortoise trying to fit in with the ninja turtle society~~ "suicidal schedule" (shoutout to my good friend Lindsey, both your support and clever titling have really seen me through these past few days <3).

So since last time I updated, things had been pretty slow. Waiting on agents is like watching a layer of paint dry on another layer of paint that's drying on some Jell-O being frozen in a refrigerator that has yet to reach the proper temperature to cool the Jell-O.

....What?

Patience isn't really a virtue of mine... heh heh... and I began to grow antsy. I wanted to do something, you know, not just sit around and wait for things to happen to me. I grew up being taught that you can't sit around and wait for things to walk into your life, you have to go out there and make it happen. I know it doesn't quite apply to this situation, where I really do have to wait, but the mindset alone sets me off doing crazy things.

This and that was exchanged, and we were discussing getting endorsements from some author connections. My aunt's a published author, and knows lots of people in the biz (for a safe dog handbook--which features a shoutout to me and pictures of my dogs, so uh, check that out :D), and long before she got published she was neighbors with D.J. MacHale, who took an interest in me and my brother and sent us signed copies of all the Pendragon books he had released thus far. He's a really cool guy, from the few times I've met him, and the Pendragon series is one of my favorites--probably ranked right under Harry Potter, actually. They're that good--much better than The Hunger Games (in my opinion, just finished the first one, liked it a lot, but can't hold a candle to Bobby Pendragon)--so if you're craving the adventures from the younger days, you really should read them.

Anyway, shameless promoting aside, we're looking to get endorsements from fine people like them, but then more news was to come my way...

We've got a friend on the board of a well-known LA group called griefHaven, and my mom ended up sending her my grief essay "Stories to Be Told" (which you can read here: http://freudianslipse.deviantart.com/#/d2zhuod ), and not only do they want to publish it in some form, but a certain someone named Jack Canfield is on that same board.

Now if you don't know who Jack Canfield is, shame on you. He's only the author of like, five hundred million books (was that an exaggeration? I'm actually not sure.), namely every single Chicken Soup for the Soul book, including the one I'm featured in (can I plug it again? Oh, can I? ), so he's kind of got some real pull in the publishing world. And she wants to show my stuff, including my book, to him.

Please tell me I'm not the only one fangirling over this. Whether this gets me anywhere or not, Jack Canfield acknowledging my existence is the equivalent of that one time Adam Lambert waved at me. And that was one helluva day.

Anyway, I provide the usual disclaimer. Unless I hop over to Pubit! and publish my book right this second (am I the only one extremely pissed off about this invention? I've worked long and hard to get my foot in the publishing world door and now anyone can just click a few buttons and wala, they're a published author? -flames shoot from ears-), there is no guarantee my book will be published. There is no guarantee it will be published while I'm still in high school (sadness :(). Or even in college. But hey, we've got the ball rolling, so let's just hope it doesn't deflate or something else equally as metaphorical.

As for me, I'm going to go retreat back into my Hermit Cave and destroy my father's empire to the tune of Aladdin. Hope I'm better soon.

Tally ho!

Kuhfumuhnahpah

2010-10-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

I really have no other way to describe my life right now than Kuhfumuhnahpah.

Right. So knowing my luck, Phantom of the Opera got put on hold until sometime next year (hopefully). In lieu of the show we're doing The Secret Garden, which prevails in irony since now I have to do a lot of exploration of grief. I'm also a principal in the show--the stuffy headmistress Mrs. Winthrop. It's not a big role, but not bad for technically my first show with this company, no?

I know I spent a lot of last year complaining about how busy I was, but I have never been busier than I am right now. I've got As You Like It rehearsals on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays until 5. I've got Secret Garden rehearsals from 6 until 9 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And then 5 hours of dance rehearsal on Saturdays. Tuesdays I have voice lessons and Hebrew for Credit. Thursdays are piano and more Hebrew for Credit. Sundays are homework and Sunday School.

Sleep and homework manage to fit in there somewhere. Somehow.

Well, I'm off. I'm going to go see Burn the Floor with my friend, and then come home and do homework.

But hey, only two more weeks of As You Like It and then I'll have loads more time. Thank. Thank. Thank. Thank. Thank God.

Tally ho!

Masquerade

2010-10-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

...is going to be stuck in my head for the next eternity.

Right, so Phantom rehearsals are going brilliantly, and I just know it's gonna be a fantastic show. Everybody is my cast is both extremely friendly and professional, so I feel like I have found my people here. Everyone's super talented, intimidatingly so, but I'm having such a great time I can't even express how much I love it.

I might have to drop Hebrew and take it up again next year, not only because I am so unbelievably awful at it and would rather be tutored for a year before taking it again, but also because I've got such a big workload and so many other things to juggle I don't really have the proper amount of time to invest in studying and refreshing my memory. That's something that is hard for me to admit, but you know, we can't be the best at everything. And I really, really, really am weak at foreign languages.

I got moved up a part in As You Like It. Not gonna lie, I'm really insecure about how this show is going to turn out--right now, it's really not looking so good, and we go up in three-four weeks. I'm really happy that I got a bigger part--and even happier that it's not too big--but I'm not happy about the notice I had to begin learning the part. I'm also not happy that this character is once again old, and I don't know why my director doesn't understand that I can't bloody do old. It worked by miracle for Florence in Leading Ladies, but I can't use that voice again for this show, so I have no idea what to do. x.x But I'd rather not fully complain about this on here. I'll do what I'll have to do, I'll work something out, if you want to hear me complain, come find me. xD

And yeah, my life is super busy, blah blah blah, you guys know the drill. In the writing world, I've been poking around at some stuff, but there's really been no time. I'm thinking of doing a compilation of all my personal essays, with their own introduction and analysis of what I was going through before/while writing the essay, and whether or not I'd actually do something with that I don't know, but I think it'd be fun to go back and look.

So uh, yeah.

Tally ho!

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

2010-09-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

I made it into Phantom of the Opera as ensemble/chorus. I don't know how many people auditioned, but only forty got in.

I've been working later and later, and getting less and less sleep, especially now that I'm getting up earlier to go on jogs.

I am quickly learning how horrible I am at foreign languages.

I got up at 3AM on Tuesday to get to school at 4:30. It was the most sleep-deprived day of my life, but worth getting a good Semester Event topic in APUSH.

The City of Hope/Make-a-Wish benefit was brilliant, despite minor disappointments I don't care to talk about.

And life is not going to be easy for the next four months.

But Superman (It's Not Easy) just came on my Pandora.

You know, some things are just worth it.

Tally ho.

And unless you stop these things from 'appenin', DIS THING DOES NOT 'APPEN!

2010-09-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is my delightfully (oddly enough, sarcasm hand is not raised here) busy schedule for the weekend:

As You Like It rehearsal (ended at 4:30)
Yom Kippur services (due in 1 hour)
Choir retreat (10-3:30)
Phantom of the Opera audition (7:35 PM)
Sunday School (9:30AM-11:45)
Phantom callbacks (if I'm lucky--3PM-?)
City of Hope benefit fundraiser (5PM-?)
Oh, and I guess homework fits in there somewhere.

It's one helluva weekend, but I'm excited. Yes, you read number four correctly--just yesterday I heard about auditions for Phantom, and I snatched up the opportunity like it was Nutella smeared on some Hawaiian bread. See, my plan is to be in Phantom as many times as I can before I start auditioning for principal roles in the production. So fingers crossed I get in to the show, okay?

Sure, there is the conflict that I'm already in As You Like It (and As You Would Have It, Swan just offered me a slightly bigger role today than my previously significantly-smaller role), and while jaws (including mine) may or may not drop on the topic of SHIT GIRL ARE YOU CRAZY!? for taking on yet another production (that won't go up until January, I might add) on my already busier-than-ever schedule, I have to do this. As You Like It is only for a few weeks--goes up at the end of October, so I'll be fine. I mean, yeah, things will get crazy with Phantom rehearsals clashing with daily As You Like It rehearsals, but I'm not gonna keep that fact from the Phantom team and assuming I get in I can work around it. Compromising piano, voice lessons, and even Hebrew in lieu of rehearsals won't be too hard to do either.

Alright, I'm not gonna lie: I am a little freaked about my schedule, but not in the sense that I can't handle it. I'm worried that the Phantom people are going to think me crazy for adding on a production of their scale when I've got so much stuff going on--I haven't even mentioned my choir singing with other choirs the National Anthem at the Padres game two weeks from Tuesday, or our choir concert on October 12.

And yeah, a part of me wishes Phantom had rolled around at better timing... but come on. Phantom is my dream. I would take any part they would offer me, no matter what it is--just to watch the principal players work and just to watch the show from behind the curtain instead of in the audience. Ever since I saw it at the Civic a couple years ago, and even more so when I saw it in London this summer--well, you get the bloody picture. This is my theater dream. Phantom of the Opera is my favorite production, even if that's something completely cliche to claim. But it just is.

So yes. I spend a lot of time ranting about how busy I am on this blog (if you're not used to it, get used to it--this is kind of my life, I'm afraid). But this is what's right for me--and if it isn't, boy will I ever find out. Either way, I'd still have to do this.

Will my grades slip? No. I'm a pro at maintaining grades during busy times. I'm writing that here to make that promise to myself--while it's okay if my grades do falter a bit, I will not let it be because I let them.

So... yeah. Bring it on. I can't wait.

Now that I'm done doing my reassuring pep-talk to convince myself I can do this, I just want to promote the City of Hope fundraiser a bit (I mentioned it a couple months ago, but here it is again):

On Sunday, there will be a City of Hope silent auction honoring three boys. Two of the three boys will be in attendance that night as the Guests of Honor. The third boy is my brother.

Ironically, it is being held at the Air and Space Museum, where my brother had his bar mitzvah party (which was one hoppin' shindig, let me tell you--and I'm not kidding, it was a blast). I've mentioned all of this, along with how we had a production crew at our house to interview my parents and then me individually about my brother and ourselves. That, along with his memorial video, will be shown at the gala, and then I'm assuming the silent auction will be held, where one of the prizes are my Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Books, autographed by me. They mentioned something about having a meet-and-greet with me as well, though I'm not sure why--if I were a celebrity, I would be below Z status. (For now.... xD)

I'm really looking forward to this event. So with that, along with all the other wonderful things going on this weekend (have I mentioned that my third graders this year are amazing?), I'm really looking forward to tearing my hair out of my head in sleep-deprived chunks.

Oh, and if you were curious, I'll include my brother's memorial video below (somebody posted it on YouTube, apparently):

It's a really sweet video, made by one of Matthew's old teachers, Mr. Krause. The song, ("Superman" by Five For Fighting) was Matthew's favorite song, and one of mine as well.When I first saw it two years ago, I admit I cried a little. Especially at seeing little 11 year old me. Oh the differences!

With that being said, shown, ranted, and reassured, have a safe and good fast for Yom Kippur, my Jewish readers. If I have done anything in the past year that has wronged you (including talking way too much about nothing on this blog--but if that's the case, why are you here?), I ask for your forgiveness. :) Have a happy new year, and tally ho.

Mini-Blog: Why so Weaksauce?

2010-09-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

It's just one of those days. =/

I hate Mondays.

Oh darling, I wish you were here.

2010-09-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send a postcard to you, dear
Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist deep in thought because when
I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
(Tonight, tonight, tonight...)

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear:
"Oh darling I wish you were here"

Chelsea's Law passed yesterday. So here's to the little changes that count.

"Name a famous woman." "Uh... Justin Bieber?"

2010-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

"No... a famous woman."
"Justin Bieber."
"Woman, not man."
"I know what I said."

That conversation took place entirely in Hebrew. It was foreignly funny. Hebrew hilarious. Knowingly knee-slapping. I could do this forever.

Right, so with that being translated, junior year is already collapsing over my head in HOLYCRAPBUCKETSWHATTHEHELLDOIDOWITHALLTHISHAIRTHAT'SFALLINGOUTOFMYEHAD.

And naturally, I'm very much enjoying that.

Even still, though, I've been singing "I Want the Good Times Back" from The Little Mermaid Broadway musical practically subconsciously. I'm not sure if that's meant to be some underlying message or not, and if it is, does this mean I have to steal someone's voice and their prince? Is it Prince Eric? I can steal Prince Eric. That's not a problem. I can do that. Really. I can.

-fidgets nervously-

Here, take a listen, actually--the song is very Broadwayish, which might not be your style, but it's sure as hell fun to sing: (also, whoever is singing Flotsam and Jetsam have got the nasal creepiness down PAT. PAT, I SAY!)

Ooh, this sounds more like my drama teacher's swan song (oh God, that was a pun unintended) and his plot to ultimately murder me rather than my own song. I kid, I kid, but still, it's a funny thought. I still like my Prince Eric stealing idea better.

Tomorrow after school are auditions for As You Like It. I'm extremely nervous, but I'm happy that most of the freshmen trying out seem really lovely people (that's rare with freshmen--I know, I've been there xD) so that's one thing I can look forward to. I kind of live to ally up with the newcomers and audition with them, ease their nerves over the process and all that. Then I audition again with Theater Guild lifers and all is right with the world.

Just wanted to post a little update with that. Obviously I'm swamped with a ton of other things, including choir especially, and then Sunday School starting on Sunday (I know, it's shocking), but that's what is on my mind right now: auditions.

My hopes are with a minor role, my expectations are with landing ensemble. Again. x.x

But let's hope for the best, yes? Allons-y!

Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

2010-09-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

The gunpowder, treason, and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

Er, sorry, kind of a V for Vendetta kick over here. To explain myself, I at first delayed in watching the movie because I was too young to see it when it came out. Then after Matthew died I couldn't bring myself to watch it for a while, since it was one of his favorite movies and I wanted to watch it not dwelling on that fact. And the movie was brilliant. He's got excellent taste, which I already knew.

Um, anyway.

I kind of wanted to make a small confession on a somewhat same topic. It's been looming in my mind for a few months now, and I figure if I just kick it out there I'll stop feeling so awkward about it. So feel free to ignore it, if you want, I don't care, but I just need to get this out of my head:

Ever since my brother died, I have not been able to touch a video game.

I mean, first person shooters and games like Halo 2, Counterstrike, Day of Defeat, Portal (the list goes on and on...)... that was our thing. I was only interested in playing when he was around, because he was so patient with my suckiness and extremely overwhelmed with pride on the occasions I more than did-not-suck (he claimed the right to inform gamers every time they had their asses kicked by a 12 year old girl). And I guess, because it was more Matthew's interest than my own, and I therefore only enjoyed video games (not counting Wii, DS, etc.) when I was with him, once he died the desire to be a good gamer just kind of evaporated for me. I stopped being in-the-know about all the latest games (I'm lucky I even found out they're making a Portal 2, have to pick that one up...). Computing 101 went out of business. The XBox and PS3 remained untouched except occasionally by my dad.

So yeah, I feel awkward every time one of my guy friends asks to play a game with me. I don't mind setting up a game for them to play on their own, but I just can't join them. My cousins played Crackdown a couple weeks ago and I barely wanted to watch. I wasn't bawling or anything, I have more self-control than that, but I was just overrun with memories of watching him play that game (the one thing I loved more than playing co-op with my brother? Watching him play games and shouting unhelpful advice at him.) and I didn't want to deal with it.

So that's my confession. Video games kind of make me want to tear my heart out. I was just thinking about that, and it's been bothering me enough I had to get it out somewhere. At least it isn't Matthew who's the one left to fend for himself as an only child--then he wouldn't be able to handle going to Disneyland, considering while he liked Disneyland he only truly enjoyed it when we went together (much like me and video games, see a pattern?)--and it would just be a shame to not be able to handle Disneyland.

In other more lighthearted news, I've started taking foreign language again. Hebrew, to be exact, considering I had to study it for seven years at my old school and when I transferred to public I was in no means enthusiastic about learning another language (foreign language is not my forte, let's say). So I'm taking Hebrew classes at my Temple, and because of my prior experience they plopped me right into Hebrew 5-6 (advanced level, I suppose).

So far, I really love the class, and my teacher, but the first day was beyond overwhelming. I haven't studied Hebrew in 3 years, and the only opportunities I'd had since then to speak it were my bat mitzvah, Confirmation, and whatever Hebrew I had to tutor the 3rd and 5th-now-6th graders with. So I walk into the classroom and my teacher just shoots straight off in perfect Hebrew and expects us all to follow along. Surprisingly, by the second class (which was tonight), I could follow along much easier, though my brain takes one hell of a long time to process what somebody says before I can reply back (and finding a reply takes even longer, damn my stupid brain).

But still. It's been 3 years. I remember most of the basics, but I'm missing in some areas, and it makes me feel like a bit of an idiot. I'll get the hang of it, though, I'm not worried.

It's only a little bit insane because I have to dash straight from piano lessons (which end at 5) to Temple for classes (which starts at 5:15).

Overwhelming? A little bit. Thursdays are my fully-booked days.

In more news, the fall play this year is going to be As You Like It. Even though I'm a junior, because there are so many brilliant senior girl actresses and only two main girl roles, I'm not exactly setting high expectations for my casting this year. I'm still excited to try out, though, no matter what role I get, and hopefully it will be one that I can have a lot of fun with (minor or major, ensemble or supporting...). Not gonna lie, I'd like to not be ensemble this year, but I'll take what I can get.

My choir has been going pretty well... as well (does it bug you that I used well twice in the same sentence, and so close together? It really bugs me. >.<). Despite having been in Beginning freshman year, my sophomore year hiatus makes me feel a bit like a newbie. Being on the outskirts is always a little uncomfortable, but I know most of the girls individually and they're all really nice people, so I trust I'll bond with them over time. The patience is worth it, especially since I love the choir experience so much. We're singing some really intense songs in French, Japanese, and one in English, and while being surrounded by such brilliant singers makes me extremely nervous and self-conscious, I'm really planning to convince myself this year that I'm almost or just as good as any of them. Maybe even better than a couple, but let's not go that far yet. ^^

Well, that's my life of note thus far. I don't think Sunday School starts for another one or two weeks, and auditions are next Wednesday, so that's when things are gonna start getting really crazy. Things are crazy right now, so I shudder to think about how crazy they're going to get with rehearsals and homework and whatnot.

But hey, I'm having a good time, and that's what matters.

Thanks for listening. Tally ho!

(Oh, and I'll probably be titling my blog post this again when it's actually the 5th of November. Juuusst a heads up)

Gadzooks! Junior year!

2010-08-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

Before we begin, 50 Emily points to whoever can tell me what a gadzook is.

Right, so junior year has been, in the three ~~years~~ EDIT: Did I really just say years? Fail and a half. weeks it's been in session, utterly amazing. My schedule reeks of perfection, my teachers reek even more of perfection, and the general feel of being a junior is perfection. Sure, we're not as cool as seniors, but we're one year away.

So for this moment in time, I'm utterly happy. I haven't been this happy in a while--not since Europe, I don't think. That was over a month ago (it was!? -dies- Take me back, now.), but now that I'm busy and occupied and juggling classes and homework and activities again, I feel really good.

Of course, this is all the calm before the storm, when the homework piles get heavier than they already are and all my activities start kicking in. That's when the complaining starts.

But as you faithful bloggers (uh... hello out there?) all know, I love being busy almost as much as I love complaining about being busy. So uh, here's hoping this year continues going as well as the first three days have been. I'm not banking too much on that hope, but even if junior year is only just as good as sophomore year was, I'll be really happy.

Tally ho!

Strick

2010-08-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

Strick (adj.) Strick [Strr-ik]

When stress makes one physically sick.
A combination of the word "stress" and "sick"
A word invented by Emily when she's too sick to think of proper English and starts making up words of her own
Emily the last night of summer before she has to get up early.
Dammit.

Okay, I'm lying, the fifth one isn't so much a definition as it is an outlandish protest, but this is my word, and therefore it stays.

You don't want to disagree with me when I'm strick.

Tally ho.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

2010-08-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

I promise not to see every stressful assignment as the end of the world.
I promise to not make myself sick from having so many activities.
I promise to stop trying to be anything more than what I am.
I promise to accept the fact that I'm unbelievably imperfect.
I promise to spend a little more time getting outside my shell.
I promise to not feel so insecure about posting a list of goals just because I'm wondering if other people hope the same.
I promise to balance theater and choir and not let any stupid rivalries stop me from what I love to do.
I promise to continue to fight my way onto bookshelves and not forget what I worked so hard for.
I promise to give myself a break every once in a while and applaud myself for doing the best I can.
I promise to stop feeling like I don't deserve any recognition from myself for anything I do.
I promise to find him again.
I promise not to fail math.
I promise that when I slack off in APUSH I won't kill myself over it.
I promise to remember that this is my blog, and its not a crime to write about myself on it (seriously, it's really lame how much I'm switching back and forth from whether this is something worth publishing, because that leads to my next promise...).
I promise to stop worrying about what other people think of what I do.
I promise to hold my life in my hands.
I promise to enjoy junior year as much as I can.

17 is my lucky number. So let's make this year great.

Tally ho!

Junior year looms on the horizon...

2010-08-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

So today was registration at my school. I've been kind of dreading and really looking forward to junior year at the same time, and while it did feel disgustingly good to roam the halls of my high school again, I still have big fears for how stressful the year is going to be.

Oh, yeah. We're onto those blog posts again.

I'm really excited for all the activities I have lined up next year, and I adore them all individually, but I'm a little afraid of what they're going to do to me combined. I've got two APs, inevitable drama rehearsals, inevitable choir concerts/rehearsals, piano lessons, voice lessons, teaching, tutoring, Hebrew school, Drivers Ed, SAT prep, and outside of school language class (either Hebrew or sign language, have to work out a few questions first). Oh, and we can't forget the big one (dunno why I always do), the whole point of this blog, going through the process of publishing my book.

I know. That's the point of this blog? It is, but it's also a bit like my personal blog. Explained? Explained.

Oh, and holy crap, that's a lot.

I love all these activities. I do them all because of my endless list of interests. But now I'm thinking I might have to drop something somewhere so I can maintain my will to live.

The question is, if anything, what?

I'm not being hasty. School starts next Wednesday, and once I get into the groove of my schedule I'll see what I just can't stick to. Maybe I won't have to cut anything, but this is going to be way busier than sophomore year. And the idea of being even more busy than I was last year just seems... well, impossible.

So yeah, I'm a little nervous about it. I'm not flipping my wig over it, because I don't even have a wig, but it is something to chew over.

And regardless, I am really excited about the coming school year. I don't know why, but I have a good feeling about it. Let's hope that proves trustworthy.

And for a little treat in bearing with me in my constant complaining of how busy I am (considering I bring this on myself, but I really do like being busy), I'll give you some writing news:

The City of Hope is having a benefit gala dinner shindig sort of thing this September at the AeroSpace Museum (ironically enough, where my brother had his bar mitzvah party). Since many of the silent auctions and fundraisers held are in his name, my family's making an appearance. We had a production crew come professional-up the house the other day, and my parents did an interview and I did an individual one. I really enjoyed both the crew and the experience, even if it brought forth a lot of emotions I hadn't experienced in a while. So, to sum up the news, not only did I get done some networking with the crew (which may or may not turn into anything, but it was fun to do all the same), but as it turns out, part of the auctions prizes are two copies of my Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book.

These copies are both signed by me (why they wanted my signature, I don't know, I'm only one story in there xD), and will be put in as part of a gift basket to whomever bids highest for it (as silent auctions go, natch).

And... well, I dunno. It was kind of a good feeling to feel like my stories mattered. I thought I'd blog about it, because it truly was something extraordinary. And something I'd very much like to get used to.

As for the book in process of publishing, I've really got nothing for you. The waiting game sucks. Rejection letters are way more amusing than I thought they'd be (there hasn't been many, but the few that are there make me giggle--mature, I know), and I just hope this book goes somewhere soon.

Tally ho!

And it mooooves us alll...

2010-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

So today Nala was officially inaugurated into the kingdom.

Pics or it didn't happen? You got it.

I will update when not doing battle with my nemesis, ~~Johnny Snow~~ insomnia. Tally ho!

My Life in Bullet Points

2010-07-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Since coming back from Europe, I have been in major UK-withdrawal. Therefore, I am a bit against rambling away my life in lots of well-thought out and honestly way too long thought processes, and will now merely sum up my life in bullet points:

Best sixteenth birthday a girl could ever ask for.

Yes, it was this awesome.

Moving to Cardiff forever.


I'll never let go, Jack!

Got a new German Shepherd puppy.

Her name is Nala. But I call her Psycho Fuzzball.

AP English Literature summer assignment.
Phineas and Ferb.
Nutella
Ritz crackers
Newsies
My Newsies shirt


Headlines don't sell papes, Newsies sell papes.

Writing new book.
Co-writing new play.
Editing old book.
Still awaiting agents.
Spoof projects on a roll--86 page spoof screenplay? Check.
Passed AP exam (but not with the score I wanted =/)
Still slacking off on doing Driver's Ed
Singing "Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated" incessantly.
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Neil Patrick Harris's existence in general
Hospital procedure on Wednesday
Greatly improved fake British accent
Reading The Poisonwood Bible.
Recommends The Mermaid Chair.
Inception.
Inception.
Inception.
Lots of journaling.
Lots of dream recording.
Because of Inception.

My life, in bullet points. Tally ho!

Breathing Reality

2010-07-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here I am. Best friend by my side. Nine days until my sixteenth birthday. In what is undoubtedly the most amazing city in the world. Without my luggage. And with a 100th blog post to write.

So, without my luggage? Doesn't sound ideal. But in all honesty, when we found out our bags were checked to New York (where we connected flights and picked up Alyson) but not to London, I really didn't care. I had made it here--my trip was real. I'm getting my luggage tomorrow, it's not the end of the world.

So with my new sonic screwdriver and a journal of impossible things, I'm sitting in the most adorable London hotel after a day of trying not to fall asleep so I don't mess up my jetlag, and I am nothing but happy. I've been planning this trip for a year, and therefore had a year to worry about how many things could go wrong.

And while it may have been true nine months ago, I did not walk into this trip expecting everything to be perfect. Things went wrong--but little things, little hitches that honestly made everything more exciting. Little things that could have easily made me flip my cap and go insane, but things that I instead began laughing about and still managed to sit in the car staring out at London for the first time with eyes wide open.

This year has been wonderful in change for me--where I can take many more things in stride than before I could not. While I might still worry over every possible hitch that could go off, I no longer worry about them into the point where I literally breathe them into reality, or where I get myself sick fearing it. Its a rough change, but not bad for an almost sixteen year old with severe crazy issues, am I right?

Anyway.

I couldn't be happier that my 100th blog post takes place in London. I couldn't be happier that I have successfully breathed reality into my dream of taking a friend to Europe and staying in a castle in Scotland. I couldn't be happier that I have a sonic screwdriver that I can pretend opens my hotel door when I shove my room key against the door in good timing. I couldn't be happier that I am happier.

London is great. It truly is, and the trip hasn't fully started yet.

Thanks for the reads, whoever you are. It's been wonderful having this place to talk.

My Internet connection here is slow, but I'll try and post updates anyway. 'Til next time, then, allons-y!

Mini-Blog: Spelunking goes international

2010-07-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow's the day. I'll be traveling to London, and I'll be back in eleven days. I don't know what the Internet situation is going to be like there--probably Internet in London, but probably not in Scotland--and even still, how much I'm going to be online. If I can, I will blog, but if not, you know where I am.

So, for reals this time, allons-y!

Tally ho works, too. Oh, what the heck, let's make this a shmorgasborg: Geronimo!

-disappears-

What a crazy, random, happenstance!

2010-07-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Please understand that reference. If not, go here. Now. Do it. Do it now. Or it's curtains for you! Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

Freeze ray. Tell your friends.

Anyway, yesterday I was at Scripps hospital for an appointment, and I ran into not one, but two random people in separate groups who recognized me from one of my high school's numerous productions. I was wearing my Taming of the Shrew shirt, which obviously helps with that, but seriously, I wasn't expecting to get recognized on the street this soon.

Heh, kidding, but you get my point. I was befuddled, though, because I'm not sure they'd be able to recognize me from Leading Ladies without my gray hair and otherwise terrifying(ly awesome) demeanor, and I was an extra in the other plays so I have no idea why I'd stand out like that.

Maybe it was just the shirt. It's always the shirt.

It was cool, anyway. Pretty good feeling.

Approximately five more days before I leave California behind and jet off to Europe for my sixteenth birthday, with Alyson (I have got to stop plugging her blog on my blog.), for eleven days of PURE AWESOMENESS.

I'm not sure if I've blogged in detail about the trip before, but now that its very much a reality (uh... no pun intended, there), I'll give a little detail:

First, my parents + me + Alyson will arrive in London, where we will stay for six days, save one day where we will take the train out to Cardiff, Wales. In Cardiff, we will embark like the faithful companions we are to the Doctor Who museum, which will be undoubtedly one of the nerdiest and most awesome things I've ever done. We'll also try and see if the Christmas special is being filmed anywhere around there, and if we can get a sneaky-peek of Matt Smith and Karen Gillan.

Okay... not that sneaky.

We'll also be seeing Phantom of the Opera, probably my favorite show there is, which I'm REALLY looking forward to. And then, of course, doing all the other touristy things--museums, sight-seeing, fish n' chips, and all that. Then, for the remaining five days (minus travel), we will be staying at Culzean Castle, in Scotland, which I'm extremely excited for. It will be there that I celebrate my sixteenth birthday (July 18th, what up!) and spend my days frolicking amongst the gardens, horseback riding on the beach, writing and writing and writing and writing...

Oh, and David Tennant filming a movie in some of the neighboring castles might also have a bit of an impact in my activities.

Just five more days. I've been planning this trip for over a year. SO LET'S DO THIS.

Sorry, I'm clearly very excited.

If I have Internet, I'll be sure to post some updates about what's what and who's who (uh... no pun intended, again). 'Til then, peace! ...But not literally. (Again, references)

Tally ho!

Mini-Blog: De-Stress?

2010-06-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. It's summer break, and I can't go twenty-four hours without finding something new to stress about. And I try to ward it off, change my mindset, meditate, take hot baths, listen to music, zone out... and I don't feel stressed, but apparently I am.

This is weird.

Any de-stressing methods I ought to look into?

Night + Day

2010-06-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry blog's been so boring around here lately, I really haven't had much to say.

So, a quick update:
Two more rejections from agents. I'm shockingly unruffled by this. I mean, I've worried since day one that my publishing efforts would go nowhere, but it's not over until it's over, right? I'm still hoping for the best.
As for my summer break, I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing but writing and preparing for Europe. It's been really nice, to have this kind of time to myself again, and I'm really enjoying it. I've written over a hundred pages of purely frivolous material that's only for me and my friends--that's the best kind of writing there is, if you ask me. Even if it isn't actually brilliant writing, it's pure fun.

I do projects like that for one reason: I can't draw. Trust me, if I didn't spend all hours of my life scribbling in journals and writing, I would spend it all learning to draw. I envy every person on the planet that's into art--it's the one form of art that I just can't do. So since I can't draw whatever I want, whether it's a portrait of my best friend for her birthday or a sketch of me living in David Tennant's hair (what? The place is a forest of volume! A forest, I say!), I write about it instead. That's why if you're one of my good friends, chances are, along with a gift, you're probably getting an epic story as well.

I'm talking about this because I've been thinking a lot about that kind of fantasy--where you dream and create things that you wish would happen in real life. I'm thinking about it because along with the rest of the world, I stood in line on Father's Day to see Toy Story 3, and like the rest of the world, welled up and eventually bawled my way through it. It's brilliant. If you haven't seen it, you must. I mean, I liked the movies lots growing up, but they were never movies I truly truly truly treasured, but this third movie is in my opinion as good or better than Toy Story 2. It's such a great story with such true depth and emotion to it, and as my generation especially has matured with this franchise, I think it reaches out to us the most.

This movie had a lot to give in its words and wisdom, but of course, above all, its imagination. I titled this blog post after the Pixar short they showed before it, which was equally, if not more, brilliant than the movie itself, and I really feel like this kind of imagination is the kind of thing that's never strayed from me, no matter how much I immerse myself in all my accomplishments. I might not play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore, but its movies like these that make me proud to be a writer, where I can bring people back to days like those, and make them feel and relate and laugh and just have pure fun or weighted thought and concern. It's a wonder to me that more people don't exercise some sort of artistic habit--sewing, drawing, painting, music, singing, dancing, writing, acting, you know, art that goes on forever. Of course, there are many people immersed in these crafts and for dozens of reasons, but I wish there was more. That's my own little selfish wish right there, that more people could share in what I'm thinking of right now--new stories, new dreams, new fantasies, new ideas, new wonders...

Everybody dreams. That's obvious. But how many people take their dreams seriously? I write my dreams down, I adore them. I have many, most impossible, some not, and I strive for them all anyway, because that's the fun of life--the possibility.

Movies like Toy Story 3 are the kind that make you look around and remember these kinds of things. I've been a huge Pixar fan all my life--save A Bug's Life, it can do no wrong in my eyes--and this one ranks among my favorites Pixar has ever pulled.

Just wanted to think about that in text, I suppose. Hope everybody else's summer vacations are going well, and if you're not on summer break yet, ~~I'm so sorry that you live in New Jersey~~ hope you're all well.

Tally ho!

Characters Welcome

2010-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

New design for summertime! Say that out loud (and by "that", I do not mean vampire, or merman for that matter). It sounds nice.

Okay, so new theme for y'all. Thought I'd spruce it up a little, and I do love green, so there you go.

Summer is in full swing what with it being the official second day of summer, and I admit, I'm in a bit of shock from having absolutely nothing to do (no, it's kind of sad, four hours out of school on Tuesday I flopped on the couch and started moaning to my mom about how bored I was) but I'm not exactly complaining, mind you. I've been keeping busy for the past two days socializing with friends and going out, but these next few weeks are probably going to be all about sleeping, writing, seeing a few people if I can, and getting ready for Europe. I'm going to be really tied up with that, so I'm actually not sure how much I can see people, but it's not too big of a deal to me. I tend to hermit it up on summer break, since ~~I get so sick of people during the year~~ I am a very tired individual.

Heh.

I'm starting on a play right now that I've been tossing around with good sir Alyson (Did I just plug her blog on my blog?) that I'm actually pretty excited about doing. Which is why Europe needs to come faster so we can discuss characters, because that's currently what I'm trying to work out now and it's hard to do without my other half to come running.

I have a feeling these characters are going to resemble us at least slightly--but then again, its hard to do any writing (at least for me) where my characters don't carry elements of myself in them (and uh... that's a pun right there only Alyson should get, its her bloody book). I'm actually determined one day to write a story that has nothing to do with me, because I do find it really self-proclaiming to write a story about yourself (no, you don't say?) and I'd like to explore other people. It's not that any of my characters are exactly like me, but I use writing to talk about myself since I internalize so many of my problems. I'd like one day to overcome that and be able to write about other people, kill two birds with one stone.

Anyway.

Building a character is always relatively easy for me, putting aspects of myself aside. It's a mind's eye sort of thing where I can just visualize who the character is and what they're going to be like, and it's all sculpting and toning from there. My main characters tend to bug the crap out of me, and my supporting characters tend to be my favorites. I figure this is because I'm a first-person sort of writer and I spend the most time writing from my main character's eyes, which gets terribly irritating and annoying after a while, but really, it's the supporting characters that are the greatest.

My favorite thing about characters though, is their surprises. My favorite character of all time that I've created was not intended to be as incredible as he turned out to be. In fact, he was going to be rather shady and very, very spiritual. Now, he's a bit more of a cynic, extremely lovetastic, and just about the most adorable thing that's ever to not-not-exist on the face of this... somewhat reality?

Did I just plug my blog on my blog? Why, I believe I did.

Characters always surprise me. I can visualize from the start what they're going to be, but then they always end up being something more. It's a lot like life, I guess, which is a conclusion you can draw for yourself. Don't have to lay that one out. Obviously.

Anyway, I suppose its back to writing for me. Despite working with my coauthor in crime, it's probably best I don't let my ideas get away with me just because I want to wait for consultation. It's a good feeling, being back in this process, even if projects flounder and things come up.

It's all good fun... for a hermit.

Tally ho!

Mini-Blog: Upperclassmen, what?

2010-06-08T14:15:00.001-07:00

And it's done. Sophomore year is over, what up.

Thanks for the year. Hopefully next one will bring more author-related news.

Tally ho!

How to tell a story.

2010-06-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

So as sophomore year winds down and summer approaches (I get out next Tuesday), it's been quite a couple weeks for writing. First off, there's just been the fun stuff, such as journals and the books I write for just me and my friends, of which I've made glorious headway on and took up two out of three days of my weekend. Time well spent, if you ask me. Darkly emotional and serious writing might be very beneficial to my sanity and my living, but it's the frivolous writing that's the most fun for me. Obviously.

Then my editor sent over what he wrote up for my query, my synopsis, and my bio that he's going to send to roughly 15-20 agents.

I am ridiculously excited about this, even though I know that there's still a long way to go. Of course I must again offer the disclaimer that I might not be looking at an answer from any of these agents for a while, or blah blah blah whatever. Can't I be excited about something for once?

And then today, in drama, my class was assigned the last project of the year: To write a monologue about what we fear most for our children, or something in our children's future, happy or sad. Which is code for write something sad, since it's hard to get much substance out of happy if you want an A.

I will now give an example of something happy:

"The moment I walked my daughter into Disneyland when she was four years old was the moment I learned what true happiness was. Seeing her face light up with the fantasy of such a world, took me back to the days when I believed that the world was full of nothing but good, and that life was full of joy and characters and adventures folded into little rides. Her eyes sparkled as she watched the crowds of people swarm in and out of the park, walking through the shops and down Main Street without a care in the world. I laughed as I saw her joy and her happiness, and for a moment I felt like a kid again."

Kind of makes you want to gag, doesn't it?

Therefore, we are inherently and indirectly forced to look at the fear, at the downside. Oh, yeah, I'm sure people will come up with something happy to write about with their kids, and I'm interested to see if anyone can pull it off, but I know I can't. I have an undying love for kids--seriously, it's ridiculous how much I adore them--but I can't really write about that, I just feel it. That sentence alone just sounds too corny... why would I want to stretch that out?

Anyway, so here I am, assigned to tell a story, which is, quite obviously, my favorite thing to do in the whole world, and all I can think about is how OCD I'm feeling with how many commas I've just used in this sentence.

Sorry.

To rephrase (I really can be very OCD), all I can think about is how scared I am to do this. I am scared because the biggest fear I have for my children is the fear I went through myself--losing a sibling and being alone. But at the same time, I don't know how to write about that to my high school drama class. This might sound horrible, but this is a fear so personal to me and so deeply felt that I don't really think they deserve to hear about it. I might love the people in my drama class, but have they earned the right for me to split my soul open?

And then comes the controversy. I wrote a friggin' book about this. That friggin' book is (hopefully) getting published. If I can't talk about a similar topic to a drama class, how can I have a (hopeful) nationwide audience?

It's simple: They're seeing my words, not reading my face. I've still got that shyness, you know. I've still got those trust issues. Words are words. You read them how you like and they tell you what they have to say. Everyone has a choice.

I don't mind the idea of getting up during a press tour and talking about my book, either, because everyone I'm speaking to is interested. This is high school. People would rather go off and get high than learn what life really is. And look, it may be cowardly, but I'm rather averse to opening teenager's eyes to the kind of things I've been through. I know everybody has their problems and struggles, and obviously some do more than others, and plenty more than me, but death is such a sore subject, it seems. Nobody wants to hear about my loss, because it's just too sad.

That's the loneliest thing in the world, I can tell you right there.

So how do I write this monologue? I could write about other fears I have, sure, but they aren't real to me. They aren't substance. I can't stand writing without substance, and so I've got to go with what I have.

And yet, I imagine reading something about my life, and having people roll their eyes and think, "There she goes again. Doesn't she realize we've all got problems too?"

Of course I do. That's why I never talk about my own.

It's the oddest thing in the world, but if I have to have any insecurity, it's probably in my brother's death. I'm really insecure about it, how weird is that? I'm really afraid of people pitying me or feeling sorry for me, even though I guess they should, and I'm even more afraid of them getting fed up with my pathetic life story. I'm sorry my life hasn't been easy, and I'm sorry I'm way too young to say that it hasn't been, and I'm even more sorry that nobody is probably thinking this about me, and yet I feel it anyway.

Because if it's one thing I've learned in the past sixteen or so months Matthew's been dead, it's that people don't like sad stories. Not when they're true. And not when they're young.

I can't say I blame them, honestly, and that's why I feel weird talking about it. It's like an unwanted subject, kind of like what's going on in the army with the whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy. People don't ask, and I don't tell. Even though this isn't about my sexuality, obviously, it's the same sort of guideline.

It's weird, I'm imagining people thinking "is that all she can talk about?" and yet I never talk about this at all. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but it's something that plagues me daily. Trust me, I'd love to talk if given the chance, but if I want it I have to seek it out and I'm a bit too shy and not-wanting-to-inconvenience-anyone to do that. Maybe someday I'll be able to get over myself and do that, but until then I don't expect anybody seeking me out.

How do I tell a story nobody wants to be told? It's funny, how much people don't really consider the perspective of losing a sibling. Friends and parents, sure, but siblings? It's such an un-relatable relationship. All siblings are different. They all hate each other for different reasons and love each other for stranger ones still. One of our exercises in drama today was to write down five things we loved about our siblings, and then five that we hated. I had no issues coming up with the former, but with the latter I couldn't think of anything. Sure, I can think of dozens of imperfections to apply to Matthew, but I didn't hate or even dislike them about him. I'm not one of those people who thinks he's perfect just because he's dead, I just never had one thing to hate about Matthew. Maybe his voice gets too loud when he's excited and talking for a while, or he's too much of a perfectionist which bugs me since I'm too much of a perfectionist, but I don't think that's what my director was looking for.

I just loved my brother. He was the reason I could be on my own, he was the reason I could do whatever I wanted, he's the reason I don't need a boyfriend to complete my life or even a remote obsession with boys.

Why is it so forbidden to say that I just miss having someone to take care of and protect me? I can't always have all the answers, you know.

I'll figure a way to tell this story, and hey, if you've read this blog post, there's a good chance I might already be partway there. So thanks. I don't know who's out there that reads this blog at this point, but whoever you are, you mean a lot.

Tally ho!

It's a mystery! Okay, not really.

2010-05-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm receiving a lot of comments lately claiming that I'm a mysterious person.

This is frankly very shocking to me.

Not a bad thing, no, but just surprising. I never really thought of myself as mysterious, because I'm not quite the type to hide away in a corner and have conversations with the rats. Sure, I might scribble in journals a lot because I'm an OCD writer with an insane fear of losing any lines or material that pops into my head at any given moment, but I talk to people... about themselves.

Whoops.

Okay, that's partially my fault. I might write about myself for a living, but when it comes to conversations, I don't really bring up my life unless I feel comfortable enough or people ask. Otherwise, it's all about them. I'm not complaining, mind you, I don't really care that much, but I figured since I'm receiving so many "you're such a mystery!" comments lately I'd write it out and see where I could go with this.

Alright, so I have a fear of sounding self-absorbed. That doesn't mean I never do, but I fear it. I can't really put my finger on why people don't prod me to enlighten them with my life... or I can, but I prefer to stay away from the reason (holy crap, I am mysterious), but anyway, that's just the way things are.

But when I began giving thought to my potential mysteriousness, I was at first thoroughly confused. I write everywhere. I write notes on Facebook when I'm practically suffocating on boredom, I write this blog, I even entertain that ridiculously wussy site called Formspring. The majority of my life is in writing, and while that's kind of weird and cool to think about, for some reason I keep figuring because I do all this writing I'm not all that mysterious.

Clearly I'm stupid in the brain somewhere since I rarely show my writing to anybody. I can't believe I didn't fathom this sooner.

So I'll put it out there, especially when the day comes that people outside those I know choose to read this blog because they picked up my book and liked it (thanks, future you!): If you want to know, just ask. I don't mean all that really deep stuff that tends to freak out people my age, because I know you don't want to hear it. But believe it or not, it's not the sole thing I dwell on. It might be a big part of my life, but I'm not an idiot. When people don't want to hear it, they don't want to hear it, and they're lucky to have that choice.

This is, of course, as everything is with my life, a bit of a complicated matter. I am at heart a rather private person, and I'm obviously not talking about spilling my deepest secrets and freaking everyone out with all my personal info, but I'm just saying, I'm only mysterious because people make me to be. And I mean, that's okay, I'm totally fine with that, but if you want to know more, stop complaining about how mysterious I am and just ask. xD It's that simple. For once in my life, it's really that simple.
Or is it? Dang, I gotta think about this more.

This is why it's sometimes extremely annoying to be me. xD

In the long run, this doesn't matter, but I felt like blogging about this since... you know... I never considered myself as mysterious until I realized how true it actually is. Weird.

Tally ho!

Things I Tend to Do While Writing

2010-05-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

1. Check Facebook

2. Check SparkLife

3. Grab the nearest thing on my desk and begin wrangling with it. I freaked out when I realized I had just grabbed my Wicked Broadway ticket from my New York trip a few years ago. It's safe now, though.

4. Drink lots of tea.

5. Search for ridiculous and/or amazing pictures. Today's photo:

McCain/Palin?

6. Write feverishly in my little black book. Today I took extensive notes on paintings in my house.

7. Listen to music on YouTube. Flavor of the month: John Barrowman doing a cover on "The Wizard and I" from Wicked, although he's cleverly rewritten lyrics to make it "The Doctor and I". Go ahead, it's kind of my new theme song.

8. Read opening sentences of various books I own and jot them down to give direction on how I should start my own books.

9. Eat chocolate.

10. Check Facebook again.

11. Eat bananas, strawberries, and Cool Whip while I reread everything I've written thus far.

12. Have ridiculous laugh attacks. Tends to happen most frequently while writing the Reality Saga.

13. Sing.

14. Blog about things I tend to do while writing. Oh, whoops.

Tally ho!

Motivation: I've Lost It

2010-05-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

No, seriously. Four weeks of school left, no more APEC, and I have lost all reason and motivation to do homework.

Also, can Lord of the Flies be any more soul-sucking? I've read it before but honestly, it's just as bad the second time around.

Don't have much to say this week, sorry for sparse blogging, and when I find something of interest I'll post again. Obviously.

'Til then, tally ho!

Mini-Blog: AP Exam

2010-05-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

Today's the day. Wish me luck, Bismarck, Lenin, and Henry IV of France. I need you guys on my side. You too, Winston Churchill.

Allons-y!

The Bell Jar

2010-05-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Great book. Read it.

Anyway, it's been a really bad week for me. Extraordinarily bad. Luckily, APEC will be done after this Friday, which is a huge relief. At this point I'm at peace with however I do on the exam. I'm shockingly unstressed about it.

But I'm tired. I'm really cursing my shyness right about now because I'd really like to talk to somebody at school, but I just don't know how to bring up myself. I'm not very good at talking about me. It's funny, being a writer and expressing my emotions and processes is what I do, and yet I have so many issues with talking to people about what's going on with me. I feel like I shouldn't be a writer, then, but you know, there's dozens of things I've written that I've never shared, and probably never will share, with anyone. Unless they earn them, but I'm very protective over those pieces until then.

~~I'm still debating over publishing this post.~~ EDIT: Clearly, I did. This blog was created to talk about my books and writing and the publishing process and then finally, my book's release (should it ever come, but I have faith it will). Now I'm ranting about personal aspects of my life on the bloody Internet. Public figure or forever unknown, it's a very slippery notion. I might not be very specifically pouring my soul out, but even just admitting how wrong things are for me right now is a bit terrifying to me.

Think about why I named my blog post The Bell Jar. The air gets stale in here, you know.

But you know, no matter who does and doesn't read this blog, and who will and will not in the future, I don't know why it's such a blasphemous act to admit that not everything is perfect in somebody's life. Clearly I don't have a perfect life, but people, or at least I feel they do, expect some sort of standard of strength from me everyday. They might not consciously expect it, but I can sense the expectation. And I can't keep doing this forever. I have to find some way to convey that on some days, I'm not totally happy. And on some days, I tire of taking care of everybody but myself. And on some days, I'm really tempted to curl into a ball and cry and cry and never stop. But you know, some people can grieve in front of thousands, and I can't even grieve in front of myself. It's too close to home--obviously. Some people can spill their emotional traumas to anyone who will listen, and I'll always envy those people to death. I depend far too much on how other people are going to react to what I'm going to say--I can't bear making them feel guilty or worst of all, pity, for my situation. I'm ridiculously weak in that aspect, and I guess I've let it go far enough that I'm admitting it here, of all places. And now I'm worried this post is going to be melodramatic, people are going to roll their eyes, and then walk away.

I can't say I blame them, but it's true. I care what people think--not of me, but of how they handle what I go through. Even if they, as they all should be able to, walk away from my situation the moment I'm done talking about it, in that moment when I'm conveying my emotions and I've assigned them the task of consoling me, that's the moment I can't bear to put them through. Because what can they say? I'm tired of "I'm so sorry" and "that's awful" or "you're so strong and brave" or whatever it is. And silence is too much to ask for.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm feeling awfully lonely right about now. It's not like I haven't been feeling lonely for these past sixteen months, in fact, these past four years, but now especially... I guess we all have to falter at some point.

Keep calm and carry on, I suppose. One day I'll find a way to ask someone for a shoulder.

Til then, I'll just keep hammering away at this bell jar. Tally ho.

The Waiting Game

2010-05-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd give you all a little update in my progress in the publishing industry.

The agent I sent my manuscript to exclusively has yet to pick it up after promising feedback at the beginning of April, and therefore while he still has the opportunity to read and accept/reject me I'm moving ahead with allowing my editor to send copies to more interested agents.

I figured this would happen, honestly. This industry requires a ridiculous amount of patience--not my forte, unfortunately--but if it's worth it, it's worth it.

It is a bit maddening, though, sitting here and not being able to be more assertive about what I want to accomplish. I'll get there, though, and oh man...

In the meantime, I have to try very hard not to peek at my manuscript and be tempted to torch it with my flamethrower. Which is an already unlikely scenario, considering my ridiculous phobia of fire, but my point still stands.

Anyway, I'm starting to realize that with all this waiting and lost promises (which I can't blame the agent for, because seriously, the guy has tons of clients), I might not see my book out for a while.

But I'll keep pushing anyways. I don't give up easily, in case nobody's noticed.

Allons-y!

Just to put to rest.

2010-04-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

I auditioned for choir today. It didn't go well.

I'm really glad I did though, because it gave me a good look on what I need to improve on. I might be able to hit notes and sing songs from memory, but I can't sight read for my life. But my audition today was the final push I needed to start piano lessons again, which I know will really help my musical literacy.

On the likely chance I'll be put in concert choir, I'm probably going to switch into a different class. Not because I'm a sore loser who doesn't want to be in concert choir, but because I figure myself with two options:

1. By some miracle, get into Women's Ensemble, and then very happily commit myself to perfecting my skills in reading and playing music. Which doesn't, naturally, mean I'm going to become a musical genius, but I just want to commit to being able to do what I need to do to excel in future auditions and such.
2. More likely, get into concert choir, switch into a class for academic credits, and spend the year improving so I can kill next year's audition.

While I'm disappointed with how I did today, and still smarting a bit from it, I'm trying my hardest not to dwell on it. I love singing and I love acting and those are things I'm going to continue to do and enjoy and work on, and if singing requires more music training, then that's what I'll do. I won't find out where I placed until probably around June, and here's hoping for the best, of course, but either way I've got something new to add to my agenda.

For those keeping score with my ridiculous schedule, don't freak. While junior year is a hard one, I'll have much more time for practice. Especially since the only class I'll hopefully have to stress about is math. The APs I'm taking will be work, but they're in subjects I excel at, so it's no big deal.

So, am I pissed at the way things went? I am personally, but how the choir director evaluates it is her own choice. I've just been having a bad week in general, so this wasn't what I needed, but I'm trying really, really very hard not to dwell on this. I tend to dwell on things I don't do right, or with perfection, or in complete and total grace, and I'm trying not to let this one get to me. I have no way of knowing how the results are going to turn out, I'm not going to know for a while, so I'm not sure why I'm so disappointed in myself.

Anyway, I'm going to try and take it in stride, and just pray for whatever is right. I'm certainly not mad at anything asked of me, I'm just mad that I wasn't properly prepared, and that's my own fault. And unlike the girl I was three years ago, I'm sure as hell going to do something about it.

Tally ho! I'd blog more about other stuff in my life, but it's still a bit too tragic and upsetting for me to talk about right now. Maybe another time.

Mini-Blog: Man eats fish custard

2010-04-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

There is no limit to how much I love Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor.

This would be Matt Smith with a fish custard mustache.

Not only is he adorable, but he's proving himself to be a strong successor to David Tennant, my Doctor. <3 And while I miss David loads and still prefer him, Matt's a great guy to carry on the show.

Don't be sad, David. I'm still not sure how its physically possible to make a face like yours right there.

Aw, there, that's better.

Now that I'm done being a complete and total Doctor Who dork, the reason I'm not updating this blog with things of interest to people who aren't super awesome nerds like me, is because not only am I too exhausted, but things have been a bit too personal for me to share on the Internet. Therefore, I'm only updating with supposedly trivial nonsense.

GERONIMO!

In my attempt to become more outdoorsy, I have moved my laptop outside.

2010-04-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

Technology and nature can continue to coexist peacefully. ^^

Anyway, now that I am in the midst of nature, really kind of dying to get off my laptop and go run around for a bit--70 degree weather, ahhh--I figured before I go and not do homework I'd blog a bit about stuff.

You know... stuff.

I never thought in a million years I'd miss Leading Ladies, but I completely and totally do. My life feels somewhat empty not devoting my life and my grades to the drama room for rehearsals, but I also feel like I have so much more free time now. Which I do. And it's awesome.

The upside is I have more time to enjoy perfect days like these.

The downside is I still have a crapload of homework.

Awww, two grayish-blue birds just landed on the rocks in front of the Jacuzzi and are taking a bird bath. Hii, nature! Hiii!!!

Anyway.

As I am now distractedly watching these birds (which I have named Timon and Pumba, but since they seem to be in a relationship, Simba and Nala) hop from rock to rock, I have to comment on how the weather and the fact that I have only a month left of school is a huge weight on my unwillingness to do some homework. I mean, really. I just don't care anymore. I've been working so hard all year and I'm dead exhausted.

But since quitting is not a choice, I must shove on, but it will be very painful and I do not want to say goodbye to my new feathered friends.

Oh. I just looked up and they're gone. But I can hear them chirping. Oh yes, I can hear them...

I mean, look at it! IT'S NATURE!!!

Just look at me, I'm so thrilled.

Anyway, while I'm not being distracted by the glory of nature, and completely contradicting it by tapping away on my laptop, all shows for Leading Ladies went supremely well. I couldn't believe the reception it got, and I really came to adore the entire experience. Yup. I definitely did not see that one coming, and I am completely serious.

THE TREES! THEY'RE SWAYING IN THE WIND! IT FEELS SO NIIIIIICEEEE.

Sorry, nature makes me hyper.

Especially with that lovely trickle of water sounding from my Jacuzzi as it cascades into the pool....
-sigh-

Okay, clearly I cannot stay focused for more than six seconds. I better go and enjoy nature. And possibly do some non-AP Exam prep related homework.

GERONIMO!

Mini-Blog: Great Expectations

2010-04-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

I guess if there's one thing to be thankful for, it's that I'm currently not reading Great Expectations. It's just the title of my blog post today.

With that blessing said and done, it's show week.

Yeah. Great expectations.

So there's lots to stress about and lots to prepare because let's face it--the cast is, as usual, unprepared--and while I have faith we'll pull it together like we always do there's always the fear that we won't. And I'm not saying I'm exempt from this worry, I've got work to do myself and I'm doing everything in my power to be where I need to be by tomorrow.

I just can't speak for everyone else, but I hope they'll do the same as well.

It's hard when I've got so much worry going on. Tomorrow's Matthew's 19th birthday, and I wish I could do something, but there's just so much else. I have tons of homework to do, and I don't have time to do any of it, because today I had rehearsal until forever and tomorrow, while I don't have school, I have a chem quiz to take after school and Confirmation at 6:45 until 8. And there's still so much homework.

And I really, really, really miss my brother right about now.

That's it, I guess. I know I'll survive this week--I always do--but I wish it wasn't so hard.

Allonsy.

Mini-Blog: New York, I love you

2010-04-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight I leave on a red-eye for New York and won't be back til Sunday. I might blog while I'm up there, maxin' and relaxin' at my favorite hotel ever, but just wanted to let y'all know how completely psyched for this I am. I've only been begging to go since I came home from New York three, almost four years ago. xD

Also, Hugh Jackman, give me a call and let's grab coffee. Or waltz down Time Square serenading the masses. I'm really fine with either. Really. We can Skype about it and let's plan!

Allons-y!

Prisoner Zero

2010-04-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a very bipolar weekend.

While it's only three more days until I get to escape here and run for New York, I'm irritably impatient. Even if the weather is going to be muggy and disgusting, I don't quite care, since I might as well get used to it.

I spent most of yesterday up in LA for my great-grandma's ninetieth birthday party. It was a lot of fun and good to see everyone again, but I was exhausted from the long week of school and probably not as energetic as I could have been. Oh well, though, I greatly enjoyed myself and it was tons of fun.

Then I got home at about 7:30ish, and in good time was prepped to watch The End of Time pt. 1 and 2. See, the new season of Doctor Who debuted in the UK last night with Matt Smith taking over as The Doctor, and I figured that there was no time like last night to watch my Doctor in his final episodes (David Tennant <3) and then jump straight into the Eleventh Hour and meet Matt Smith.

This did not do wonders for my emotions.

I went from crying to screaming to laughing hysterically to smiling and crying to angry as frick to freaking out my parents as to why I was acting so schizophrenic ("Doctor Who -choke-, guys!" "Ohhhhhhh, okay!" -leaves me alone-) to then bawling hysterically again. Then it was straight into the Eleventh Hour and I was laughing my butt off the entire episode. And since we were watching all the way up to midnight (and I'm the kind of person who always turns in for the night at 11 PM at the absolute latest), I was very weary, delirious, and probably not in the best mental state for all those emotions.

Made it for a bloody good time, though. Geronimo!

So, my take on The End of Time pt. 1 and 2? First off, if you're later than me and still haven't seen it, SPOILER ALERT GO AWAY. Now that they're gone... I know I'm like three months late on this one but bear with me, guys. If you read this blog you know how busy I am and I value sleep over TV shows, no matter how brilliant. Rather than rush through the episodes in a harried craze to get through them all, I chose to instead take my time and leisure in sifting through them and enjoying it immensely. No regrets. Absolutely no regrets. ^^ Also, I wanted to stretch out my time with David Tennant as The Doctor as long as possible, and thanks to my busy schedule, I was able to do just that.

Anyway, overall I rather thought The End of Time was a rather sucky episode. Even though it made me bawl my eyes out ridiculously, I think the writers were on crack or something when dictating the plot for the episodes. For Part 1, I was kind of freaking out the entire time, and not quite sure what to call The Master's sudden craving for everything under the sun, since it's not quite cannibalism.

Honestly, what is the relationship between a Time Lord aching to nom some human flesh? Let's pause and reflect this question very seriously.

Don't do drugs, kids.

The cactus were rather odd... worst rescue EVER and all that... but I enjoyed shimmering down with them, SHIMMAH. The only parts of the episodes that I really enjoyed performance wise were, of course, David Tennant's, and then John Simm (The Master) and whoever plays Wilf (Donna's grandpappy). Even though The Master was kind of weirding me out in part 1, he was brilliant in part 2, and that hoodie outfit of his became my ultimate weakness. I think it gave me Turrets syndrome or something. Ask Alyson. She knows what I'm talking about.

So while the plot was extremely weird, I liked all the bits with The Doctor and Wilf and it was a good, albeit extremely painful way to say goodbye. Matt Smith's spazfest at the end helped me dry my tears though. Not extremely well, but it helped. -pets-

Without thirty seconds to spare, Alyson and I jumped straight into The Eleventh Hour, and immediately, as I said before, I was laughing my butt off. The new theme is rather weird--I liked the old ones better--but oh well, it's very Moffatman-ish, so I approve. (For the record, Steven Moffat, aka the Moffatman, the Moffatmiester, etc. is epic win) I called him Matt throughout the entire episode, because I wasn't ready to part with my Doctor just yet, but Matt proves himself very well. I loved the episode and his performance, and I love the new companion (Amelia Poooooooonnnnnd.... that is a great name.) as well. I'm ridiculously excited for the new season, and the episode brought me to peace with David Tennant leaving the show (I'd been at peace with his personal reasons but definitely not at peace with my selfish-viewer reasons), even though I'm not quite ready to call Matt The Doctor yet.

Give it time, though, and luckily, The Doctor has plenty of that wibbly-wobbly stuff.

*END SPOILERS YOU CAN COME BACK NOW*

So while I'm sure a good deal of you have absolutely no idea what I've just rambled on about (or you do, if all my readers are major Doctor Who fans), I'm feeling pretty good. I kind of ran around the house screaming for a good couple minutes after finishing The Eleventh Hour, and when I went to bed I did not have bad dreams (see what I did there? See: End of Time, pt. 1).

I wake up today, completely forgetting that it's Easter (but I'm Jewish so I have an excuse), and all I have to say is, happy birthday Heath Ledger. <3 I still miss you, and always will.

Wow, that was quite a turn from Doctor Who ramblings, but seriously, Heath will always be my favorite. :)

Oh God... I have so many catchphrases I could go off on... -picks two-

GERONIMO!
-shimmers away-

Mini-Blog: Anything Goes

2010-03-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have figured that after all my years of rehearsals of all kinds, there is one and only one philosophy to live by.

Even if you have no idea why the video below is so epic, enjoy.

The Home Stretch

2010-03-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, anybody who tells me we're not nearing the end of the school year is going to receive a very prompt and mature -fingers in ears- LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAAARRR YOUUUUUUU LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

Are we at an accord?
Good.
Let's begin.

It's that time of year again where I really want to slack off, stop trying so hard, and start making excuses about having a very important appointment involving pointing and laughing at archaeologists.

Last year, when I had absolutely nothing going on in my life, this was ever so easy. Freshman year was epic, because the only classes I ever got homework in were in my honors courses--Biology and English. Every other subject--Choir, Math, Drama, PE--never assigned anything. I miss that year.

This year, while I still only have one more APEC chapter after this one before starting prep for the AP exam... I still have to prep for the AP exam.

Weeeeeee....

Look, while I'm complaining, I'm not complaining. I'm actually really happy that it's this part of the year, because that means its going to be over much sooner than I think. I mean, while Leading Ladies was supposed to close this weekend, we're going up in two weeks instead. After that, I have free Mondays and Thursdays again (even though right now we're going five days a week and it's TORTURE). And then, it's nothing but AP Exam and the CST (standardized testing). Then, it's finals. And then DONE. I can turn sixteen in peace.

So right now I'm very busy, but you've probably definitely already guessed that. I'm also so tired, because as it is that time of year, I have officially become a school zombie. I don't remember how to make toast anymore. Or do laundry. But I can, however, tell you how to convert kilajoules into grams and how to find the specific heat of a molecule. Or maybe lecture you on the Treaty of Versailles. Or maybe explain energy levels, sublevels, and orbitals to you. Or maybe I could help you find the area of that regular polygon. Or maybe you'd prefer a brief overview of Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

TOO. MUCH. KNOWLEDGE.

And the sad thing is... I really want some toast.

Tally ho!

Dumb luck

2010-03-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

The bad news: At the last moment, my epic weekend with my best friend from New York was ruined with a missed flight. It was horrific, but there's nothing either side could do about it. Nothing's to blame but my sanity.

The good news: My dad's a superhero and booked a flight for New York over spring break. When one door closes, another one opens.

That's the basis of my life right now. Just gotta get through this next week, and I'll finally be home.

Allonsy!

Mini-Blog: This is my not funny face.

2010-03-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Since I'm going to be in the hospital for a procedure tomorrow, I'm home today for doing prep.

It's miserable.

I also have a lot of APEC to do.

Also miserable.

I also have movies to watch.

Not so miserable.

Allonsy!

The Oncoming Storm

2010-03-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

Random Blogger: Oh Emily, will you ever stop titling your blog posts with obscure quotes and references to Doctor Who and all other things you love all too obsessively?
Me: No.
Random Blogger: Explain yourself!
Me: I said no.
Random Blogger: What is the meaning of this negative?
Me: It means no.

Whoops. I just referenced Doctor Who again.

Live with it.

This weekend has been go-go-go. It's been way too cha-cha for words. (That's a Steel Magnolias reference; I'm on a roll!) But you probably already figured that, since I spend the majority of these blogs talking about how busy I am.

I almost called this blog "The calm before the storm", but then the DW quote popped into my head and priorities are priorities. To elaborate, though, I'm in one of those terrific moods. The true essence of happiness.

I thought I'd dedicate this blog post to what I interpret as true happiness, as I see it different for everyone.

I spend a lot of time watching people. If you know me in real life, you probably know this. If you don't, you've probably assumed that because I'm a writer, I love to watch people. Well, I don't watch people because I write, I write because I watch people (and myself), but that's another rambling entirely.

And everything I see, becomes inspiration for a character, an event, a plot, an entire book, a line, etc. Can make people paranoid if I advertise it enough--and yes, I am guilty to having killed off people I don't like in my books before. Or having them brutally emotionally tortured, since emotional journeys are kind of my trademark in my books.

God, I just realized I kind of torture myself endlessly in my own books. Does that make me my own worst enemy?
This explains so much.

HAH, I'm off track on a ridiculous scale already. Sorry about that, thy blog is thy thought process.

Right, in this entire life span of watching people, I've seen billions of shades of happiness. There's that happiness you feel when you're surrounded by people and you feel secure--like you're in a clique, you're not being judged, you're just neutral and normal and accepted and maybe even a little bit foxy (DAMMIT, REFERENCE). There's that happiness when somebody you like is paying attention to you. There's that happiness when someone includes you in something you feel like only happens to other more outgoing or bubbly people around you. I mean, these are what I consider the more shallow forms of happiness, but there's still so much more.

As a human, and more prominently as a teenage girl, I'm guilty to those kinds of happiness. I say guilty because I really have a personal struggle with the flaws of humanity, and if I ever do something like follow the herd or exploit insecurity I tend to beat myself up brutally over it. But in retrospect, there's nothing wrong with any shade of happiness at all. Happy is happy is happy. And now I've said happy so much it's starting to sound like a really weird word in my head. Happy. Physics. Physics physics phys--REFERENCES.

The most common happiness I see is the--for lack of better word--ignorant kind. I don't mean ignorant in the traditional sense of the word, I just mean the kind of happiness where you're influenced by your surroundings. I.E, you're at Disneyland, you're with your friends and something hilarious happened... so on and so forth. Perhaps ignorant isn't the best word--in fact, it isn't--so we'll just rephrase that to the influenced happiness.

So it's a rare occasion when I see somebody in what I feel is the true meaning of happiness. The kind where nothing's really going on, nobody's given you a million dollars, and you're not hugging a Time Lord (REFERENCES). Not the kind of happiness I felt purchasing two new pairs of Converse today. Or even the happiness I felt sitting outside in my backyard, in perfectly lovely weather, reading Frankenstein. Not the happiness I felt singing West Side Story while meandering aimlessly around the house. Not the happiness I feel looking forward to Alyson spending the weekend with me. And not the happiness I felt watching my Sunday School kids make me proud.

The kind of happiness where I'm sitting in the dining room, surrounded by a giant mess I have to clean up and an edited manuscript in my lap I'm poring through, looking forward to a full week of rehearsals subdued by two days in the hospital, and of course the usual onslaught of homework... and I'm just so happy.

It's a kind of happiness I seldom see in anyone. So much happiness I see these days, especially with the loss of our beloved Chelsea, is the forced happiness people use to shield their grief. So much happiness I see is the kind that's still in an unexplained way yearning for more... trapped in a time flux (REFERENCES), like nothing's wrong but everything's lacking.

I can't be the only one who knows what I'm talking about. I know I usually go on about things nobody really cares to understand (is it my fault I make no sense? Well... yeah, probably), but you've got to get some sort of idea. I once wrote in my personal essay, Play the Year (if you know me personally you've probably read it), that I felt a kind of happiness where I'm surrounded in mountains of sorrow, yet still manage to pluck the nearest dandelion and make a wish. It's like a bud, rooted in the core, that just shoots through my body like a shot of adrenaline and I've got no rhyme or reason behind it. I'm just feeling good. I leaned my back against my door and stood there smiling for minutes, not really smiling about anything. And I wondered to myself, I realized--that happiness comes in an array of choices.

And maybe that's not true happiness in its proper definition. Maybe it's not true happiness to my closest friend or my worst enemy. I dunno. I think emotions--love, sadness, and happiness particularly--are so subjective. My worst day could be a breeze for someone else. Somebody can handle an F on a test while another person can't. Some fall in love within moments and others take years. And it's all different. So for me, my best happiness is the kind that comes with no explanations, no reasons, no strings attached. I will always appreciate the happiness influenced by others around me, but its the happiness that I bring upon myself that makes me feel like I truly shine.

That's all. I hope for you a happiness like mine.

Here come the drums.

2010-03-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

Tap tap tap tap.

Sorry I've been such a flake in posting lately, I've been so busy and life has been so chaotic there's been no time to really do anything but work and sleep. And nobody is allowed to mess with my work, and nobody dares to mess with my sleep.

I also wanted to give my previous blog post some time up top before posting again. It's pretty much been the basis of life lately and I didn't feel what few there are of you that read this needed a refresher on more painful events.

Anyway, as the school year finally starts heading down towards the end (don't tell me that's not true, I won't believe you! I won't!) it's been getting crazy. I'm only taking two APs next year (I find it sad that there really is an "only" required before writing two APs)--AP English Lit and AP US History--and am trying to weasel my way out of doing a science class since only two years are required and I'd like my hardest year of high school to revolve around classes I actually care about... plus math (3 years required x.x).
So if I have my way, I'll be taking APEL, Intro to Computers (fulfill computers requirement) first semester, and TA'ing for Honors Humanities second semester, Algebra 3-4, choir, APUSH, and either Yearbook or Drama, I'm just not sure. Yearbook would be really tough, and while I'm very interested in it I don't know how much I can commit, and therefore probably won't. As for drama, I'll just see who's in it next year before deciding.

But that stuff is all boring. Here is the juicy part:

My book is now in the hands of an agent. Specifically, an agent who is a friend of a family friend, which in the industry means a personal relationship. I have no clue whether or not he'll accept the book--hope that he does, obviously--and hopefully I'll hear back in the beginning of April.

Fingers crossed. We're getting closer.

Second piece of news, I had to edit an excerpt out of a personal essay I wrote for the Elizabeth Hospice magazine, and that should be out in September.

Third piece of news, I completely forgot I submitted a couple stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul (for grieving and loss) and realize I have months before the deadline is even over. And will therefore take this opportunity to send them another personal essay (obviously different, dunno why anyone would bombard people with the same entry over and over again). It'll be a while before I'll know if I have been accepted into the book, but I figure since this blog is primarily based amongst news of my publishing sprees, you ought to know and I'll keep that posted as well.

We (and by we, I mean me) just have to keep in mind that nothing is ever for certain, and that while the odds could say I will be published and released by junior-senior year, I also very well could not be.

So let's just hope. Here come the drums.

Tally ho!

"The people know the truth. The world is cruel. Solid all the way through. But if you can show them... even for a second... then you can make them wonder."

2010-03-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in so long... not only have I not had much to say, but it's been a trying week.

Last Thursday, a senior at my high school, a girl named Chelsea King, went for a run after school. She never came home.

Last Thursday, I started a book called The Lovely Bones, about a 14-year old girl who is raped and murdered.

But this isn't about my terrible timing in reading that beautiful book. This is for her.

People all across my community gathered together to look for her. Fliers were distributed. Search parties were organized. And people took to the park where she disappeared, covering every square inch to find any traces of what she left behind. Her car was parked in the parking lot, her school clothes and cell phone inside. And our school carried on the next day, the atmosphere quiet and unknown.

As I've blogged before, my school has lost two students this school year. We were not about to lose another.

Come Saturday, the skies had darkened and rain poured down, but still people gathered to search. In the pouring rain, volunteers were turned away to help search, and instead went out on their own, spreading downwards to the Tijuana border and upwards to Los Angeles and possibly further, distributing fliers and getting the word out. I don't know about these other communities, but if it's one thing I've learned in the past four years, when you mess with one, you mess with all.

Fliers were hanging everywhere. Prayers were held at every religious center. And despite the fact that this weekend was Purim, one of my favorite Jewish holidays and for those of you out there not in the know, one of the happiest, people set it aside to shout her name in pride and determination. We promised to find her. We promised to bring her home.

Today is March 2nd, 2010.

Today, I was unable to attend school. For the first time since my brother died over a year ago, I had to make my way back to Children's Hospital and receive a doctor's appointment for the disease so suddenly set aside when Matthew fell ill. It's been four years since I was last checked for this illness, and its acting up again prompted my mom for an appointment. I braved the hallways of the hospital that held such an important part of my forgotten childhood once more, unaware of what was happening in Chelsea's search.

My appointment was supposed to be at 9:45. If it's one thing I'd learned in the six years of my affiliation with the hospital (three of those years for me, the other three for Matthew), appointments never start on time. As expected, I wasn't seen by my doctor until 11:30. As not so expected, he decided that I should have another procedure done that will keep me in the hospital for a day, at most. I've had six of these in my lifetime and am in no way looking forward to this one. I'm not going to be looking forward to my mental, emotional, and physical preparation for that. It's not going to be easy. Especially because I'll be back in that waiting room, the same waiting room where my brother waited to lose his leg, to lose his gallbladder... the list goes on and on.

Once my appointment ended, I begged my parents to let us walk through the cafeteria and the Hematology/Oncology clinic at Children's, the places where I discovered my independence. I knew it would be hard for them, since it's our first time back since Matthew died, but I had to see. Unlike most people, I find such familiarity in that part of the hospital, such comfort. It was there that I got to spend the time with Matthew I was deprived of prior to his illness. It was there I was allowed to roam free on my own, go wherever I please, and for as long as I liked. It was there that I was treated as Emily, not the girl whose brother had cancer. At the hospital, I was just another girl. At the hospital, my story was nothing new. At the hospital, I felt free.

I declined taking the elevator in favor of the stairs, because my dad and I would always race up them. And I pushed the button that would open the automatic doors to the clinic, because I remember how self-important I felt walking through them, like I had a purpose. And I walked down the hall with the same stale smell I had gotten so used to, and saw the first room Matthew ever stayed in, the rooms he frequented, and new patients roaming the halls, a boy standing on the wheels of his IV pole. I walked past the parent's lounge, where I would spend so much time by myself, thinking about life, the universe, and everything, where I would spend time watching TV or eating a candy bar. I walked up to the game room, closed at that moment, and remembered all the times I'd go there with Matthew, to rent a movie, to cream him at air hockey, to watch the other patients escape from their troubles for a little while.

As we made our way down the hall, the people passing quickly recognized us. We were stopped, embraced, and the questioning ensued.

At this moment, police were discovering Chelsea's body in Lake Hodges, and our promise to bring her home came too late.

While it's been over a year since Matthew died, it's been even longer still since he was in that hospital. I watched these nurses talk to us, and as life would have it, word quickly spread that the Beavers were visiting the hospital, and one of our favorite nurses, Amy, caught us on the way out. The first thing she said to us was, "I miss him so much".

Yeah. We all do.

And as I listened to her talk, as I listened to her tear up at the memory of my brother, I realized that while time does pass--and it certainly has for Amy and Matthew--people like him always live on in our hearts, and that we carry them for the rest of our days. It's not that people pass on and fade away, and everyone moves on with their lives and diminishes the memory, it's that we keep them with us forever. Death is a freeze in time, a stopping of progress, but that doesn't mean they are gone forever, it is simply up to us to carry them through. I'm not the only one in the world who misses my brother. I'm not the only one in the world who aches at the lack of his presence. And I'm not the only one who carries him in my heart.

As I walked through the familiar doors, and into the parking lot toward the car, my dad took my mother's hand, and I took his. And as a family, we walked to the car, through the hallways and pathways of the hospital I'd come to know so well in these past few years, memories etched into them forever running through my mind. I'll always ache for the place in me wanting to reach out and take Matthew's hand, but I know that stepping along the grounds of what used to be my everyday life, I can finally fully appreciate how much I've grown.

I came home to turn on the news, and as the world would have it, our Chelsea King was gone.

But she wasn't. Because in that moment that I registered her end, I saw our community. I saw how we banded together to bring her home. I saw how we shouted her name in pride and determination, and I saw how people who didn't even know her... people like me... take her story into their hearts and carry it for her sake.

And in my heart, I know I have seen too much grief in this past year. I've lost Clay, I've lost Veronica, I've lost Mimi, and in my own world, in my own home, I lost the most important person to ever exist in my life. Chelsea will be welcome to know him.

Because for all these people, for all whom I never even knew face to face, and to the one I knew better than I knew myself, their stories hold their hearts, and I carry them in my heart.

Rest in peace, my blessed angels.

It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you.

2010-02-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

In case it matters, sorry I'm not blogging. Haven't got much to say, don't want to bore you with simple nothings, the usual.

But if you'd like a little food for thought, consider this: Why is it that we act differently in public areas as opposed to who we are alone or at home?

Not saying I'm immune to this question, because I act differently around everyone--they're just all different parts of me. And of course there's an obvious answer once you flesh it out, but I'm too tired to do it for you. Should be easy enough to work through, if you feel like doing so.

I've carried this question with me, along with its answer, for a long time, and was reminded of it again today at school. I thought I'd share.

And now, I'm off to pet an Ood. Allonsy!

Would you like some smother with that future?

2010-02-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

Right, so I'm back with what was undoubtedly the most epic trip to DC ever, and I realize now I only have a few days left in my break... and they have to all be dedicated to working.

I have an APEC chapter to read, a DBQ to write, a Humanities essay to make up, and studying for a Chem test/homework.

I mean seriously, what the frick?

I don't understand why schools push us as hard as they do. When they stress the point that it's our choice on what courses we take, I really find that unfair. They make it seem like if you don't take the highest courses, you won't get accepted into a good college and have a good future etc. Is that really true? The generations before us never had to work like this, and the generations after us will probably have to work harder. It's horrific, and it's even leaking into elementary schools now.

You know, most people don't take kids seriously when they complain about homework. You might think I'm making this blog post because I don't want to do my homework. Well, that's true--when does someone want to do their homework? But come on. I'm supposed to be on break right now. And I realize I'm not really going to have a true vacation until I'm done with college and jobless. Summer breaks they assign homework if you're taking APs (and guess who takes APs?) and these little tiny smidges of breaks throughout the year they assign homework as well. I have a really hard time seeing the fairness in this.

We have such a small little window to be true kids without responsibility and it appears they're just downsizing it with every passing year. Now it seems the only years for being truly Hakuna Matata (it means no worries... for the rest of your days...) is up until Kindergarten. For me, I never really had to start worrying about school until around 7th grade. Now it seems to be leaking to sooner.

But why? This world is really squandering away all our childhoods and replacing it with means to work and learn. And I know I'm being a huge complainer in this post but honestly, can you blame me? There's so many people I know these days who just have given up on trying. And they've decided to not go to college and they've decided to never do their homework and they don't care what becomes of it.

And sometimes I have to wonder, are they on to something with this?

With what I want to do with the rest of my life, I don't really need an education. I don't need college, nor do I need the grades that I earn. I could leave school right now if I really wanted to. And why should I aspire to the things I want? The chances of succeeding as either an actress or an author are slim--and while the latter is becoming more and more true with each passing day, there's still no guarantee. And that's why I stay. Because just in case my life doesn't work out for me the way I want it to, I need my education and I want the best possible. I just wish the best possible didn't want so much from me as well. A harder course? Sure. A little more homework? Sure. I made that choice by picking the class. But does there have to be this much pressure? Do we have to have no time to unwind and get out of school for a bit?

And every time a teacher tells me it's "Friday night homework" I want to shoot them in the face. I don't do homework on Fridays unless it's at the end of the year and I have little enough that I'm eager to get it done. Other than that... nobody does homework. On Fridays.

I could rant about this forever and ever, but you get my gist. I'm not just some kid complaining about the weight of the world on my shoulders and how we shouldn't have to do homework. Much as it pains me to say it, I don't think I'd do as well in my classes without homework. I just don't think it's fair to assign so much over breaks is all.

Right, like complaining will do anything. Oh well. Least I feel better now. Thanks for sticking with rants. Tally ho!

Mini-Blog: DC

2010-02-13T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hi, all! I'm leaving for DC tonight with my Confirmation class--we're flying the red-eye--and therefore won't be back until Tuesday. I'm not bringing my laptop, so I thought even though I don't update this blog often enough for my absence to be noticed, in case you were needing a dose of crazy between tonight and Wednesday morning, came to this blog, and saw nothing, that would be why.

Tally ho!

Pride and CareBears

2010-02-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

I love CareBears. I admit it. But I'm probably the worst CareBear fan ever, since I've never owned one, seen one of their movies, and I don't even know all of their names. One of them is named Friend Bear, right? Friendship Bear? Friendly Bear? Something with friends and bears.

HOWEVER, I do know the plot to one of their hit cinematic masterpieces, "Oopsy Does It!"

For your entertainment (and not the Adam Lambert kind--sorry, song kinda stuck in my head): "When villain Grizzle plots against the CareBears, it's up to Oopsy Bear to come to their rescue!"

Shame on you Academy for overlooking such warm and cuddly genius.

...No, I haven't seen the movie. But the plot sounds extraordinary. And now it apparently seems I've lied, I know two names of the CareBears. The other one is Oopsy Bear.

Right, so today was, hence title of blog post, all about caring. And sharing. Oh yes, the whole deal. It started in Chemistry when I was given a balloon by my friend Sara. She's a peer counselor at my school and apparently today was some sort of dealie where you hand off a balloon to someone with each passing period/break/lunch/whenever and watch it go. Each balloon had a nice comment on it (mine was "You are sensational!" which I found to be just delightful) and in Chemistry I enjoyed its red balloon-y goodness before passing it off to my friend Anna at break.

Then, in APEC, we were discussing DBQs (Document-Based-Question type of essays) and somebody came in and handed my teacher a piece of paper with a red bracelet attached. As it turned out, it was a Character Recognition Award, given to somebody who's been recognized for caring, and as it turned out, was for me.

I'd like to thank the Academy for not nominating Bradley Cooper for anything (sorry, he's the one celebrity I hate for absolutely no logical or valid reason whatsoever).

This is the second cool little bracelet thingy I've gotten this year--the other one was for Respect. Now, I have no idea what I've done to be recognized, nominated, or given anything but it really made me happy with how sweet a gesture it was. I still have the paper, and I'm wearing the bracelet. It makes me smile. And it's really ironic, you know, how I used to go to a school of maybe two-to-four hundred total in the high school and middle school combined, and amidst all their specialties I never got anything more than a couple Humanities awards. Now I go to a school of three thousand and manage to bag two cute bracelets within a year. Tell me that's not ironic.

But hey, I'm honored.

On the other hand, though, I only have a couple weeks left to decide whether or not I'm going back to my old school. We'll see how life goes. I'm not leaning one way or the other, though I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to decide in time and then that's it. I can't go back senior year. It's over.

Wow. That would make me kind of sad.

Anyway, back to my little bracelet (which I'm trying not to dwell on, but sorry, I never get noticed for anything), my APEC teacher went on in an example and used me as a CareBear. Which brings us back to the title of this blog.

Aren't I clever?

After that was lunch, which is fun as always in the quad with my amazing friends, and then comes Geometry which once again succeeds in crushing my soul and will to live. Then came rehearsal, a slight relief, and oddly enough I was feeling really too exhausted to put up with my cast's antics today and tried to find a nice little corner away from all the craziness. I'm an introvert, if you can believe it. I'd take peace and quiet over loud and distracting any day, and I much prefer just talking with one or two people at a time than six or seven. It's a wonder I have so many lovely friends.

Overall, though, rehearsal went well, and I truly am so excited to put on the show, especially because Alyson (hi, sir!) is coming down to see it. I can't wait for everyone to meet her, and I'm hoping we'll push Denny's to Saturday night so she can come with. Ah well, we shall see.

And now I'm home, about ready to start on my four APEC essays, crossword, and map, and enjoying the wonderful news that Chris Nolan has agreed to a third Batman film. You should be happy I've known about this for at least sixteen hours now, because otherwise this blog would be a giant mess of teenage fangirl jarble. Amidst the Batman world, it's also reported that the home Christian Bale rented in Albuquerque, New Mexico, while shooting Terminator has revealed a dead body. And no, it's not Shane Hulburt or any other DPs in the sacred line of eye (sorry Christian Bale, I love you but I couldn't resist). It has nothing to do with Bale--dude went missing 8 years ago, apparently ex-wife did it, God rest his soul--or this blog post would also be a jarble of WTF. But the best part is that the house looks strangely familiar to one I looked at in Albuquerque with Matthew maybe five years ago. That my grandparents were interested in maybe renting.

And maybe I've been stalking Christian Bale before I even knew he existed.

I smell a TARDIS-meets-Psych-related conspiracy.

And now that I've had my fun calling myself a CareBear, sensational, and calling out sketchy situations debunking Christian Bale's chances of being a murderer beyond his Wall-Street Journal yuppie socialite alter-ego, I'm gonna go do some APEC now.

Thanks for riding the Crazy Blog Post Express, hope you enjoyed the insane. Tally ho! (Seriously though, I'm glad you like crazy people and their blogs)

(Oh, and I should probably mention I am one tick away from being done with edits and having my editor send my book off to the interested agents and publishers. And that means Christian Bale, expect a manuscript in the mail very soon. Just in case you're out there. And if you are.... hi. I s'pose I've got some 'splainin to do.)

The blog post is mightier than the bitch slap.

2010-02-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

Right, I make that previous post about chivalry and now doors are getting opened for me everywhere.

Exactly how many people read my blog?

Oh, and alternatively, I'm calling cosmic interference that's trying to tell me not to give up and join Hermits United. And to that I say, carry on. I can meet up with the hermits and discuss caves later. It's good fun... for a hermit.

Whether it was my blog post (which I do somewhat--hah, see what I did there?--doubt since I really don't think many people read this blog... yet...) or the cosmos sending me a early birthday gift, carry on guys, you give me hope for the world. :D

Allons-y!

Everytime someone says "chivalry is dead', a part of my soul dies.

2010-02-03T15:53:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog sounds like one of those annoying Facebook groups everyone's joining every five seconds. Here, I hereby allow you to steal the title of this blog and make it a group and if it becomes wildly popular, I want a cookie or a cupcake or something delicious. K thanks.

Anyway.

Today's a slow and sad sort of day. Last night in Confirmation class we watched Schindler's List (we're finishing it next week) and while that movie is BRILLIANT the moment I got home I begged my mom to put something funny on TV for us to watch so I wouldn't be alone and I would be distracted. The moment she paused the TV to get up and put the dogs out, I started bawling. That movie is haunting brilliance.

So you could say that put a bit of a damper in my step today, deservedly so since I'd feel horribly guilty being able to walk around with a smile after it.

Then, in drama, we were assigned new plays and I was assigned to one Triangle Factory Fire about, you guessed it, the Triangle Factory Fire of 1911.

So I don't know if you know this, and you probably do because it's pretty serious and obvious, but I have a severely irrational and intense phobia of fire. I don't want to give the full backstory on why, but part of the reason involves a house spontaneously combusting on my street when I was three years old and I being witness to it. I'd rather not give the other reason.

I'm not gonna bore you all with the melodramatic story of this phobia, but in short it's caused me a lot of pain over the years, and it was only this past year I learned how to strike a match without bawling my eyes out of fear. It was also in these past two years that I became able to watch a movie that involved fire in it without a) looking away b) having a meltdown or c) leaving the room.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. I've been working on it though, but it's still not good.

Right, so we're reading through the play, and it's a very dramatic, dynamic, and brilliant retelling through these victims who have either died in the fire or barely survived, going through every minuscule detail of the smoke and flames and terror and panic and I'm going to stop now so I don't fall apart. It was a bit of a terror to read through that play, because I was hyperventilating over most of it and I desperately didn't want to have a panic attack in the middle of drama class and have everyone worried when they really shouldn't care about my stupid fears.

It was really very unnerving.

But on the bright side, I think it's a pretty good challenge to take. Not only can I possibly channel some of my fear into the play (though the end result probably won't be good... it's hard for me to put my phobia into someone else's words), but maybe it will help me work on how to address my fear in public and resolve some inner demons. I'm not sure how I'll do this entirely on my own (right, like people need to worry about me on top of everything else--in context of this play, seems rather silly) but if I need help I'm sure I can find it somewhere.

So moving on to what I listed first but decided to talk about in full last so I don't leave you all on a somewhat depressing note, let's talk chivalry!

Chivalrous men are for the most part a dying breed. The guys at my high school don't seem to truly understand how chivalry is literally the key to a woman's heart... along with chocolate. Open a door for a girl, give up your chair, lend her your jacket or just do something polite and she's putty in your hands. And that's what I like most about chivalry--it's free acts of kindness, it don't cost you a thing, it won't harm you in any way, you just have to take the extra step and she'll fall into your arms.

So really, did chivalry *have* to die? It's not that effing hard.

I think men who demonstrate chivalry immediately set themselves apart from the rest of the guys, and I really have a hard time understanding what's so hard about being polite and having good manners. I know a lot of girls out there who fight for a woman's equality to man and I'm all for it, but you can't fight human nature. You can't fight women nature, and women naturally like having their manly hero do something kind for them. It doesn't mean men don't deserve a little love too, but women own the kindness--well, most of them.

For me personally? I like a man who's my equal. Someone I can take care of and someone who will take care of me. Probably why I don't have much success in high school relationships--make that no success in high school relationships--because as you can see here, apparently my plea for politeness is extremely high standard. I don't think it should be.

But nothing makes me happier than a guy who is kind. When I watch Little Women (which is also my favorite book--just in case you didn't already know), I can't help but wonder if any future guy of mine would ever study this movie like its his Bible. He doesn't have to be the embodiment of Theodore Laurence--because that's just it, Theodore Laurence isn't real--but the way that Laurie takes care of his friends, is kind to them and treats them as equals, makes me quite literally a puddle. Honestly. I fell off the treadmill watching this movie because it gets me every time. There are no guys these days who have that much care and compassion.

So when last night as I was walking into a room, the guy in front of me actually stopped at the entrance and let me go in first, I was filled with sheer joy. No, I'm not going to marry this guy nor am I in love with him, but his kindness made me so happy. And it gave me a bit of hope for the world of men. Not much, but a little, and at least I know amidst my sad day I can still be happy by that one little gesture of kindness.

That's the beauty of chivalry. Take some notes, boys.

That's all for rant. :) And most likely why I'm going to marry somebody British. Tally ho!

Whoa.

2010-01-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had those moments where all of a sudden things are just... downhill? Like an onslaught of unexplained sadness that completely throws you off guard?

Obviously I wouldn't be asking this question if it hadn't just happened to me.

I'm not full-on depressed or anything. In fact, I'm fine. But it's like that crashing feeling when the day--not a terribly good day, I might add--caught up with me and I just slumped a bit and sighed. I'm so tired.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why I have to deal with life the way it is right now. In order to get to the good, you have to pay your dues and suffer some bad, right? And you might not even know it's bad--those people are the lucky ones, of course. I get that if I stay patient and ride it through, and do everything in my power to make life a little more tolerable (hence all my crazy activities), that maybe someday I'll be sitting exactly where I want to be for better and for worse.

It's a little optimistic, I know, but what else is keeping me alive?

But even still, it doesn't mean I don't get really sick of it and anxious for the good to start coming.

Right, I have to clarify that of course--good is coming, but only because I'm strangling life to death (whoa--not sure that worked as well as it sounded in my head) to give me something to live for, not because life has taken a particular fancy to me and decided to bless me with ignorance and good.

I just wish asking life to do me a favor every now and then wasn't such an unfair thing to ask.

So let's get to today's rehearsal: It went pretty well, but I am really sick of us getting so off-task all the time. I'm all for having fun at rehearsal, but it's just too much. And today, my director went off about how each and every one of us has to put much more effort and not have that one rehearsal be the only work we do for the show. He tells us to write all over our scripts and start figuring out what we're doing.

Am I the only one who has a ridiculous amount of thoughts and notes in my script? Seriously, you should see it, it's embarrassing (only because of the things I write, they're really stupid but they help).

So don't get me wrong: I completely agree with what my director is saying, it just always sucks when you get yelled at for something that you're already doing. And when it doesn't seem to be coming across that I am, then maybe it is a good sign that I really don't deserve my role.

I'm sorry. That's a harsh thing to say about myself, but sometimes I really believe it. I'm not a good actress. I wish I could be like some of the other people in my cast and just be brilliant naturally, but I'm not. I really have to slave over it. I'm sure you've probably read this a dozen times over by now, and I'm sorry for bringing up acting so much, it's just something that really burdens me a lot.

And on a day like this when I was so tired and the people around me were so unforgiving, it's just frustrating to get yelled at for something I'm working so hard on. Especially when my director's right.

I really wish life was reversed, and we had to work to achieve sadness rather than work so hard in pursuit of happiness.

And now I'm sensing a very familiar pattern--I go to school, hold it together, come home and fall apart a bit. It's not melodramatic, it's just unhealthy. And unnecessarily-freak-out-not, it's my problem to deal with and I can deal with it fine. It's just a bad sign when I start going into this pattern because it means something isn't right with the school life.

And this is why life really owes me a favor right about now.

Burned out came early this year.

2010-01-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

You know, it's usually towards April that I begin to get really lazy with school, but I suppose with everything that's going on outside of school (and how I haven't had this much homework since 8th grade) I'm getting tired a bit early this year.

No complaints, though. I signed up for all of this and I intend to go through with it all. I'm just a little surprised I'm this tired this early. I'm still waiting to get my second part of edits back, and I'm sure once I do we're gonna be in a whole nother ballgame of AHHHHHHH but again, I wanted this, so I'm sure as hell going to do it.

I'm very happy with my final grades, which serve as good reward for how much I've slaved over everything and pretty much completely sacrificed my social life this school year--I have As and A+s in all my classes except Chemistry and Geometry, which are respective Bs. With an A in APEC, that's a 3.8 GPA which was exactly my goal. So yeah, I'm really happy. :)

So this week has been pretty low-key. I was sick for the past two days, and it appears that stupid illness I've had since I was eight is finally acting up again, which means excruciating pain 24/7. I don't really feel like being too much of a downer with this, because its really nothing to worry about. The pain used to really effect me when I was first diagnosed with it, but having it for so long I'm extremely used to it. So it's no big issue, it's just extremely annoying, especially since I haven't had to deal with it for a while.

But for some reason it appears to be attacking my brain waves. Seriously. I have the dumb. I've been making so many stupid mistakes and I'm just completely out of it. Oh well. It was fun lounging around like a bum, sleeping til 11 and watching Doctor Who all day for a couple extra days. And luckily, I'm pretty much all caught up with my classes, so I'm not stressing out over nothing like I usually do.

So, life highlights?

February break I'm going to DC with my Confirmation class for a few days. Hopefully when I get back I can visit my old school (because they don't have the week off, suckers) and see my best friend visiting from the Land of Fail (otherwise known as New Jersey).
March 25th-28th = Leading Ladies show week. More importantly, though, the week Alyson will be visiting from New York at long, long last.
Post-AP exam = No more APEC. Several straight weeks of APEC movie marathons. Life will be great and school will be a joke.
Finishing edits. The day I type those words and know it's true, I'll probably be in a coma of happiness. Just imagining the possibility makes my Creative-Juices senses tingle. (Meaning, I can finally start the exhaustively vicious cycle of writing a book again, because trust me, I have plenty of ideas)
Getting my permit. No, seriously.
Alice in Wonderland is released in theaters. I'm sorry, but am I the only one about dying with anticipation for it? I'd think not.
End of sophomore year. I mean really, it'll be awesome to look back and see how much I've accomplished. It's been a crazy year and you all know it, since I dragged you guys along. xD
And last but not least... the most epic sweet sixteen imaginable, thanks to Alyson, the United Kingdom, a Scottish castle to stay in, some Phantom of the Opera to see in London, and what will inevitably be the most epic trip of our lives. <333

Even though we're nowhere close to finished yet (and I have a feeling this blog will get slightly more popular if/when that book o'mine is finally out on shelves), I just wanted to thank you guys, what few of you there are, for reading. I'm just in a good mood right now and thought I'd celebrate my busy life a bit. :)

Tally ho!

Excellent! My sneaky ways have put me in the lead! I'd give myself a pat on the back, but I'm driving, so I'll have to do it later!

2010-01-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

That quote is more brilliant than you think. It's from Mandark on Dexter's Laboratory. God I miss that show. It was classic.

So, the title of this blog refers to many things besides that show's brilliance. For one, my sneaky ways have put me in the lead of my edits, because I am cleared for the first half of my book (albeit minor edits ^^) and now all that's left is the second half.

I made it bold so it would look more drastic, because it is.

Also, please excuse my hyperness, I just finished a workout and I get really hyper when I work out. Watching Little Women in that process does absolutely NOTHING to help the cause. Oh God, not even going to go into that.

Anyway, I'd give myself a pat on the back, but I'm driving, (which means I'm finally in the process of getting my permit--YIPPEE!) so I'll have to do it later!

Do you see my clever and cunning ways of brilliant title naming? Oh yes.

So what else to cover in this brilliant blog? Or should I be done?

In your dreams, you freaky little gnome.

Wow, I'm really full of Dexter quotes today (not to be confused with the show very unoriginally named Dexter). And I think this kind of sucks for you guys because if you told me to go take a run so I can calm down, I would say no can do because taking a run is exactly what made me hyper in the first place.

Ooh, you're in trouble now.

Alright, so to calm things down just a tad, I do want to highlight another piece of brilliance for what few of you there are:

I'm sure by now you have probably guessed I have an unconditional love for Heath Ledger. If you haven't... are you sure it's not just me who isn't entirely alright in the head?

That being said, it's only logical that I go see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in theaters despite hearing poor reviews of it (and waiting two frickin years for it to be released in the US, jeez).

But let me just tell you, undoubtedly worth the wait.

I can see why most people wouldn't like it, and now you'll probably think I'm biased because this is Heath's last role. But while Heath did a good job, it wasn't his best role. It was just wonderful to see him again and watch his energy--that's the thing I love most about him, his energy. No, I'm more talking about the ideas of the film, and the symbolism packed into it.

Most people don't like symbolism. I am a major sucker for it, which is why I loved the film. You could hate it because it's weird and the plot is thick and really very trippy, or you could love it because the performances are endearing, the characters are clever, and it appeals to the overactive imagination.

Anybody here have an overactive imagination that has by no means any limits on any aspect of reality and tends to fly insanely off the handle in fantasies, stories, mysteries, questions, and curiosities?

-Raises hand-

Also, hence the title of this entire blog. I have a very limited grasp on reality because it's so very boring, don't you think? I think it's up to us to make it colorful, and Imaginarium does just that.

It doesn't make anyone any less sophisticated to not like the movie. It doesn't make me any more superior to love it. I'm just saying, I adored it, it blew my mind, it was the epitome of surreal, and dear God Heath Ledger, I miss you terribly. I wouldn't care if you never acted again, I just miss seeing your energy. RIP.

But to end on a lighter note, I suppose I'll treat you all with one final Dexter's Laboratory quote (and link Dexter's name to the site I frequent more than Facebook, IMDb, so you can enjoy more deliciously clever quotes. You're welcome and happy Sunday.):

Dad: Dexter, I am your father.
Dexter: [Gasp] That's not possible! Oh wait, no, you are right.

Genius.

There Will Be Milkshakes

2010-01-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

In my lifetime, there are a variety of foods I've come across that I always have to connect to something. Muffins. Bananas. Pineapples. Crepes. Hershey's Kisses. Diet Pepsi. Reese's. Red velvet cupcakes. Risotto. Orange juice. To name a few, anyway. They all mean something to me, and not just because they are the epitome of delicious goodness. But because there's some event in my life that's made each individual one ridiculously epic (don't get any nasty ideas about bananas, that one's for Doctor Who ^^).

Thanks to There Will Be Blood, milkshakes, you may join the party.

Because now whenever somebody talks about milkshakes, I either say the infamous line or start screaming my head off. I just watched it for the first time this week (pardon how late I am to join the fun--I'm 15, rated R movies have only recently been less limited), and I can't get it out of my head, how brilliant it was (but you probably already knew that). So no, I'm not going to talk about my personal review for the movie because I'm sure you've read zillions already. That would be boring.

Let's talk about milkshakes!

If I were to drink your milkshake, it would have to be strawberry. With bananas. And coconut. With whipped cream, a cherry, and chocolate shavings.

I'd like to see Daniel Plainview top that, what up.

Then, it would have to be blended to perfection to create a whipped, creamy, and smooth sensation poured into a frosty mug, and served in the midst of a warm summer day, relaxing by the ~~oil rigs~~ pool.

The milkshake is called, "A Little Bit Foxy", and it would beat out a samba on the taste buds because of its smooth, delicious flavor. I drink that milkshake. I drink it up.

Don't tell me I just made you all crave a milkshake. Specifically, a little bit of a foxy one.
But if not... if you had a milkshake, and I had a milkshake (that was a little bit foxy), what would give its delicious flavor that I would so envy?

And for the record, I've now referenced several of the foods listed at the beginning, but they're much more subtle so I can't promise you'll find them. Ooh, I just referenced another. Kapow, that's my brilliance at work.

You might ask why I chose to post such a random blog. Part of it is because I watched There Will Be Blood this week. Part of it is because I haven't blogged in a while.

Most of it is because I really, really, really want a milkshake.

I'm finished.

It's okay, Doctor, Elizabeth I hates me too.

2010-01-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

Not really, I just like comforting The Doctor. (Doctor Who. Watch it.)

Right, so it was a very interesting weekend indeed. I went to go see Jesus Christ Superstar. The Chargers lost their playoff game. I went to breakfast and sat at the table next to a Charger player (i.e. the one that allegedly choked Tila Tequila) and his attorney. I turned 15 and a half years old (permit! permit!). I watched a lot of Doctor Who. My grandparents visited. I got Jesus to wave, wink, and blow me a kiss all in one super-epic gesture.

I'd appreciate it more if I weren't Jewish.

So, Jesus Christ Superstar: I'm not a huge fan of rock operas, but I'll go easy anyway. This cast had Ted Neeley as Jesus, and for those of you not in the know, he was -the Jesus- in the movie version and in a ton of other productions. Basically, this is like -his- show. And he did very well, don't get me wrong. 66 years old and pipes like Adam Lambert. I'm curious to see how he was back in the younger days.

Other than that, though, the show itself was just alright. The singing was good, but Mary bugged me because she played every single note safe. And I felt smug, knowing I could hit each one (perhaps not if she went into her full range, then we might have had a problem). So I sat there in my theater snobbiness (in the front row, dead center, I might add--which was a very delightful surprise), judging every aspect of the show. I think that's the curse of being into any area of acting--it makes you completely judgmental of everything you see. I can't go to any production anymore without scrutinizing every bit because trust me, I've been through most of what I see. And yes, I did in fact have a laugh attack with my jaw on the floor when Judas turned his back to the audience--WHILE SINGING--for six whole seconds. And yes, I did want to bang my head against the orchestra pit when Mary tried putting emotion into her rock ballad and fell flat on her face (figuratively, not literally). And yes, I did giggle when one of the chorus people glanced out at the audience and looked for someone. And yes, I did shake my head in shame when I heard a slight whisper backstage.

And yes, I do know that absolutely NOBODY else cares about this, but I'm a theater snob, what can I say. It's kind of fun to make a big deal out of nothing and feel superior because of it. I admit it. It's fun. Get over it.

So the show? B-. Worth seeing, but nothing that will blow anybody out of the water. It was a cool experience, and I did very much like having Ted the Jesus wave at me at the end. I don't know what it is, but every concert/celebrity sighting/show/etc. I go to and the famous people start waving, its always me they single out. Not that I'm complaining or anything, perhaps they're acknowledging that one day I shall be one of them.

Just kidding. I like to dream, you see, and it's very late here so I'll be getting close to doing just that.

So, just curious: Any snobbish hobbies you readers (well, if there are readers, and if there are--hi!) indulge in? I'm not only exclusive to theater. I can be a huge snob when it comes to writing, grammar, and correct spelling as well. Also, movie quotes. Dammit I hate it when people mess up movie quotes (unless they've only seen it once, then I'm nicer).

Fun blog. Second semester starts tomorrow. x.x So do more edits. Yippee-freaking-skippee.

Tally ho!

One year down, the rest of my life to go.

2010-01-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

My brother died today. One year ago. I haven't seen him... since last year.

I'm sorry, I'm just taking it in right now, because all day I was holding it together and holding it together... and now that I'm home, I can fall apart.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say. I just want you guys out there to know.

RIP Matthew Beaver
April 13th 1991-January 14th 2009

Mini-Blog: Take that, Karl Marx.

2010-01-12T15:35:00.001-08:00

Who got an A in APEC first semester?

I got an A in APEC first semester.

WHAT NOW.

Back to stressing about finals.

You can't sacrifice a cat under the full moon to pass Chemistry!

2010-01-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

That's a direct quote from my Chemistry teacher, and yes, it is one of my favorites. Not only because my Chemistry teacher is a legitimate truth-speaka, but because I'd much rather have an epic conflict of whether or not to sacrifice a cat in order to pass Chemistry, rather than just have an epic conflict of WHY DO I SUCK AT CHEMISTRY!?

I mean, I get why I suck at Chemistry. I'm not good with numbers. I'm good with being overly-logical in my everyday life (why have high school relationships, why do this and that and blah blah blah...), but when it comes to logical thinking (this plus this equals this because....), you've lost me. I hate math and science because there's always only one answer. And there's always only a certain way to get to that answer. No gray area. In English you have much more freedom to create your own world, which is what I spend a lot of my free time doing. Honestly, my imagination is my best friend. It sounds lame in context but if you really think about it, the psychology of the matter is that I just want my childhood back. Eleven is way too young an age to lose that kind of thing.

But I guess that kind of internal conflict, that kind of matter of "Would I rather be a typical teenager and have boy drama and girl fights and whatever else it is that makes high school high school, or would I rather be where am I now and have absolutely nothing to relate with when it comes to drama?" is a story for another day, isn't it? I mean, that kind of question takes forever to answer.

In any case, I'm getting way off track here. The point of this blog post is that I really need help with Chemistry. Maybe if Matthew were alive and my life was in any way fair, I wouldn't be complaining, but no, I have to go around and be shut down by my friends who can't help me instead. I have friends outside of school who could help, but I need something more along the lines of sitting down with me and actually going over material, not over the phone kind of thing. But I guess I can't inconvenience my friends, wouldn't be fair, would it?

Alright, any attempt to stay on task with this blog is failing epicly, so I'm just gonna tell it like it is:

In the last three days I have before my first year of grief is up, I'm flipping out. School is terrible. I can't go to my friends for help because I don't want to freak them out or hurt them or burden them with any of this. Some of my friends know what Thursday is going to be, and that's fine, and they're being really sweet about it and I couldn't be more grateful. But why, why put finals in the second week of January? Why can't it be next week? Last week? Before break? Why do I have to have my Chemistry final on January 14th? Why can't it be on Wednesday or Friday?

Do you see how much irony likes to mess with my life?

This is what frustrates me. I wish I knew a foolproof way to get through Thursday without being vulnerable or off my game. But unfortunately for me, my impeccable talent of just shoving everything inside until I got home from school left with Matthew. I'm serious, it's so weird. Ever since sophomore year started I'm terrible at keeping a bubbly exterior 24/7. I know that sounds awful but if you were in my shoes and you had to watch yourself begin to trust person after person, and see them shrink away and freak out the moment you got anywhere near the core of pain, what other choice do you have?

I just really hope I don't do anything that will scare my friends on Thursday. The sad thing is, I mean like, tearing up or God forbid, crying, as opposed to say, jumping off the top of the performing arts center.

Life can stop hating me now. =/

Oh, and I'd like to pass Chemistry with at least a B, please.

That's all. Happy finals week for the rest of you out there who have them.

Uncertainty

2010-01-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Right, so we've just begun rehearsals for Leading Ladies and I'm having a great time watching everyone work and getting to do a really great part, but I'm still uncertain about why I deserve the part. I'm not making this post for people to tell me how good I supposedly am--I've heard it loads, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not fishing for compliments here :) --but more just a little rant of my anxiousness of whether or not I can actually do this part.

I'm really excited for playing Florence because I really am quite terrible at playing someone old. When we first put on the show in drama class (drama class =/= the spring play), I was stuck with Florence and dreading it being my worst performance yet. And here I am, playing her for the real deal. Kind of weird, isn't it?

So yes, I am very excited to be Florence because it's a role I am challenged with. I'd have a much easier time playing the lead, Meg, but I don't think I quite deserve THE lead just yet (and Hannah, my good friend and adopted older sister who does have the role is doing just PHENOMENALLY with it) so I'm happy where I am with a supporting one.

But the problem with challenges and me is that I obsess over them quite a bit, don't I?

I have to work on the voice a lot. My director and I talked and I think a very crisp kind of voice would work a lot better. He gave me some movies to watch and I'm really excited about doing more research and taking notes. I have to work on the depth a lot. For a couple weeks I'm going to play with the possibility of Florence knowing Jack and Leo are deceiving her, and then turn it around and play it like I didn't find out until the end. I have a lot of material to work with and given the time frame of roughly two months I really hope I can get this together.

I'm probably going to drive my cast crazy with my I'm-not-worthy meltdowns, but if they refuse to live with the real problems I have, they better get ready for the crazy ones.

Just kidding. Although I do freak out over nothing a lot. I can't help believing I don't deserve this part. And no, I will not be happy until I'm convinced I've entertained.

Hi, my name's Emily, and I'm a perfectionist.

Maybe I Shouldn't Complain

2010-01-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not much for complaining. Especially on the world wide web. So forgive me if I'm not too good at it, and forgive me if I'm too vague. I have serious trust issues. Get over it.

As far as friends go, I've been really lucky my entire life. Up until 5th grade, I was the epitome of wallflower pushover. And somehow, I still managed to have a decent amount of friends--most of them outside school, but still some within--but I never chose them, they chose me. Only a few of them I'm still close with.

Post 5th grade, I had no trouble at all making the friends I wanted to make, and learning how to avoid the friends I didn't want to. But to cut my life story short because I'm sure that's not what you care about, I love my friends. I adore them.

And maybe I'm being unfair.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I don't think I can continue this blog post much longer. I don't want to upset anyone, and maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe I'm feeling a little bit unloved from some (not all) of my friends, and it's fine. I can deal with it.

I guess I just wanted to write it down somewhere so it would stop threatening to ruin everyone else's day.

That's all. I'll probably blog about finals or edits or music or something eventually. Sorry for wasting your time.

Obligatory New Year's Blog Post

2009-12-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna dwell on this being the worst year of my life, because it definitely had some great moments as well. I just wanted to wish you all a happy 2010, and I'll see you on the other side.

Thanks for following my blog, few of you that actually are. <3 Tally ho!

Unveiling

2009-12-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

We're unveiling Matthew's headstone today. I would be excited, except because my life hates me I woke up with an upset stomach from bad sushi. I should be fine, but it just irks me. This is the last day I'd want to be slightly sick on.

And don't think I'm psycho for being excited for this, I'm just looking forward to seeing everyone, including my brother, again.

RIP Matthew. <3 Thanks for the dreams.

Editing with The Doctor

2009-12-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Right, sorry I haven't really blogged in a while. It's more for your benefit than mine--if I've got nothing to say, I won't say it... and bug the crap out of you with the nothing I have to say.

But today I do have something!

So, first week of break down, and there's plenty to stress. I, not being one to procrastinate, have made good headway on all my homework assignments, but I am also still one to stress about it anyway. I've felt rather empty without my scourge of extra-curricular activities to attend to, but at the same time completely relieved. I bet you know that drill--complain while it's there and miss it when it's gone.

Case in point, I'd like it to be summer now, please. I think that would just settle it all quite nicely.

And the edits continue to progress, and I'm starting to like my book more and more. On the other hand, my friend just introduced me to Doctor Who, and I'm planning to make it through the seasons come return to school. Because then there's finals.

Oh boy.

But for today, nothing but edits, APEC, and maybe a touch of Doctor Who, because I'm going to see Avatar with the guys tonight. Tally ho (and hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. I certainly did, because like a good Jew I had Chinese food for lunch, and then went to the movies with my best friend)!

Things I Will Look Forward To If/When I Am a Successful Author/Actress

2009-12-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

Take your pick, both good choices.

And of course the disclaimer that I can never guarantee I will be successful, but hey, it's fun to dream. :) And therefore is this blog post, behold my wildest dreams, all very unlikely of coming true, but we'll just see about that. xD

Today's blog post is inspired by the many interviews I love to watch of my favorite actors talking about their projects (I try to respect their personal lives). And after watching poor Christian Bale see his Batman action figure quite literally devoured by an interviewer, not only did I realize that I will not be the weirdest person Christian Bale will ever meet, I realized if I'm ever well-known these are the kinds of people I'm going to have to deal with.

Cool.

And so, the things I will look forward to if/when I am a famous author/actress:

Book tour Q&As. Even though I already know Alyson is going to crash each one and be sure to ask the most embarrassing questions possible, I'm also looking forward to the genuinely embarrassing or hilarious questions directed towards me or my characters. You want to know if Tristan secretly puts on a tutu and prances around his foyer to Jon Schmidt? The answer would be no, or at the very least I desperately hope not. Maybe if Alyson drugged him with something... to sum up: I'm going to have a really good time answering these questions, no matter how odd or awesome or even just classic plot questions they may be.
Fan-art. Alright, I've already been splattered in fan art thanks to the very same Alyson, and I still want more of it, but I'd like to see if someone can create a Tristan mailbox or something. Whatever they create, I want to see it.
Fan-fiction. Okay I'm going to be honest here, not so much looking forward to this one. People taking my characters and potentially putting them in awkward situations is really creepy to me. But there's a good chance, should fan-fiction of my work ever exist, that I would poke through it. Just to make sure nobody's diagnosing Tristan with Tuberculosis or anything. That would be cruel. (Tristan's my favorite example to use in this, sorry for neglecting other characters)
I really want weird interviewers to try and devour Tristan action figures. Just so I can be able to live and tell the tale.

If you'd like the clip that inspired today's little Wildest Dreams post, please enjoy the weirdness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu3k6oIqmBA

I will never be able to look at Batman action figures the same way ever again. At least not without laughing hysterically.

Tally ho!

Mini-Blog: A Quick Update

2009-12-17T19:09:00.001-08:00

I'm really tired and very much not doing well (don't worry about me, I'll be fine) so I just thought I'd let you know what kind of part I'm playing:

I got the rest of the script today, and my part is big but not huge, if that makes sense. I'm definitely a supporting lead, but the show is really all about Jack, Leo, and Meg. :) And it is truly a great show; I really adore the script. My part is really funny as well. I'm looking forward to putting it on.

That's all. Have a great break y'all. I'll blog for real later.

"Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to/If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you/Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?"

2009-12-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

So this weekend has been crazy, in short. In long, it's done nothing but make me look forward to break even more.

You see, I went up to LA on Saturday for my great-grandma's 90th birthday party. And it was raining, and since all Southern Californians have some sort of unexplained irrational fear of the rain (not me--I love it) my mom was freaking out the entire drive that we were gonna careen off the road and die a horrible death.

Obviously, that is not the case, since I'm writing to you right now. So you can get off the edge of your seats.

Yes, our windshield wiper did break halfway up to LA, and that only freaked out my mom even more, but it was only one out of two and the one on the driver's side still worked, so for once in my life I was very, very grateful I was not in England. But of course perfect vision doesn't calm down a rainy day for my mom, so I was stressed out the entire 3 and a half hour drive up to LA. I did squeeze in about half of Howl's Moving Castle on my laptop, though, and that was awesome (I spent the other 2+ hours listening to my new iPod).

But naturally, we made it there in one piece and my mom immediately began worrying about whether or not we should stay at a hotel and drive home in the morning. This was a reject on my list, because while I would have loved to take the train back the following day (because my dad refused to stay in a hotel no matter what, and my mom wouldn't let me go with him if she decides to stay. Oh, and I love trains) I had about 7+ hours of homework on Sunday and therefore wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Finally, my mom decides to brave the streets and let my dad drive home in the dark and pouring rain, and after what I consider to be a very successful birthday party (happy birthday, GG!) we set out to head on home.

The ride home is what was interesting for me. I had a blanket, my kick-ass boots, a pillow, and my iPod, and while there were several instances where my mom started freaking out for our lives... I was completely calm. It wasn't that I was sure that we were going to die and I wasn't afraid of it--because hello, here I am, get off the edge of your seat--but because I was completely convinced we were going to survive. It wasn't ignorance or blind faith... it was just calm.

And I think the thing that made that calm so significant is that I know my mind. And if you know even a fraction of my mind (which is probably the most you common folk know--only the closest to me know more than a fraction) then you know it's quite hellish in there. Everything is over-analyzed and over-complicated and everything is taken into account and observed, and thoughts and dreams and fantasies are running right and left, hand in hand with my fictional characters that complete the crazy of an author. My mind is running mach 5 around the clock, no matter what time of day it is. It's crazy, it's hell, it's bliss, and it's complicated. One paragraph doesn't cover the first square millimeter of it.

But as I listened to my iPod and my mom freaking out, my mind was one-track. My thoughts were simple. There was nothing traced behind them, nothing traced before them, nothing laced between the words for me to analyze and ponder. Just straight, unhazed, common thoughts, simple thoughts, like the thoughts of a young and oblivious child. I was thinking about how pretty the singer on my iPod sounded. I was saying a prayer of thanks to God for not putting us in the accident that occurred before us. I was saying hi to Matthew and then telling him I was glad I didn't forget my laptop at GG's house. I was wondering if I would ever be able to sing as well as a Broadway singer. I dreamed of a pill that would calm Mom's thoughts down to mine so we could all be happy. I dreamed of a magnifying glass to peer into Dad's thoughts.

And you see these sentences, how simple they are? My thoughts are never like that, never so... calm. Or young. I'm sure nobody my age thinks things that are so simple and innocent. But on that entire drive, I was.

The thought makes me smile, is all, and while I'm back to my usual flurry of complex thoughts and scenarios taking a smackdown in my head, I don't think I'll ever forget that beautiful simplicity of a rainy three hour drive back home. Last night I learned that ignorance truly is bliss.

I kind of miss it.

At the same time, while my mind is a hellish place, it's also my mind, and I think I'd miss it terribly if it ever went away for good.

On a lighter, less relevant note:

Emily's Hanukkah Gift List So Far (Day 3):

iPod touch (32GB! My old one, a 1st generation iPod touch 8GB, wasn't letting me listen to music in the left earphone. You'd think the problem was my headphones, but apparently, it wasn't. So yay. :D Also, voice control is extreme unnecessary amusement)
4 $15 iTunes gift cards (that's 60 buckaroos for the people keeping score at home)
$50 Nordstrom's gift certificate
A BLUE SNUGGIE!!!!!

So far so good, folks. And yes, after I finished the pounds and pounds of homework that I had and the portion of Hanukkah shopping accomplished at Wal-Mart (Act II commences at Target on Monday), I did in fact run around the house Snuggie-clad and lightsaber toting.

I'm a Jedi.

Happy holidays!

From Today to Tomorrow

2009-12-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned briefly in my last Super-Blog, this week hasn't been the greatest. Don't get me wrong, getting into the play was great, and so was voice lessons, but other than that this week has truly been one of the worst (of this year, not of all time).

And today, it only got worse.

One of the seniors who attends my school died last night. I didn't know her personally, but our entire student body... stunned. I don't know all the details, and therefore I won't put out a potentially false story, but what I do know is that she got into an accident driving last night.

RIP Veronica. <3

And with all due respect, watching people around me crying or shuffling around in stunned silence, brought me back to where I've been. It got me thinking about a lot of things, and while today might have not been as hard for me as it definitely was for others, I realized how hard I was trying to hold things together.

It's hard to believe just one year ago I was having the worst Hanukkah of my life. I can't even call it Hanukkah--we barely celebrated. Because some nights we just forgot.

And this week, of all weeks, I was having a really hard time with it. I was depressed all through school--I have no idea how nobody notices... unless they don't want to, which is understandable, but I've stopped trying to cover it up--and honestly, break can not come fast enough. And then we're hit with this news, and while I can't really call it my own tragedy because that would be demeaning what others are going through... it really hit me.

She's the second classmate my high school has lost this year. The other, in my grade, Clay, died of an accidental overdose (prescription, not illegal) just two days before school started.

Two whole lives. One year. It's devastating.

And to think that one year ago, here I was, waiting to lose my brother to cancer. Did these people have any idea it was coming? Any preparation? Veronica was at school yesterday, and it's painful enough that I cry just realizing that... she was at school yesterday. She was fine.

God, I can't even continue.

I truly am grateful for all the months I had to prepare for Matthew's death. Even if those months were terrible, terrible months, there was also a sense of bliss to them. I wasn't in school for the latter portion of them, and I could just go along... waiting for him to die. Blissful peace of hell, I liked to call it. Blissful piece, blissful peace. And I know that if I were to have come home one day and been told I'd never see my brother again... well, I know for a fact I'd either be barely alive or already gone. I really don't know if I would have had the emotional strength to go through something like that, that uncertainty.

We're always told to treat every day like it's your last, and that you don't know what you got til it's gone, or that we should appreciate everyone around us because we may never know... and corny as they are, they're all true. I can't get through the thought of what other people are going through right now with Veronica without crying, because all I can think of is how devastated they must be. How devastated I would be.

As I've noticed in the past year, death has truly become a beautiful thing to me. Not in the sense you're thinking, like I'm a dark tortured soul determined to end my life melodramatically and prematurely--I'm not. I've never been close to suicidal and I never will be, which is my point. But death, natural death, the kind of death that feels like maybe it was meant to happen... I've always seen it as a second chance. I'm not applying this to Veronica or Matthew but it's just how I see it. Because of their deaths, these people will be remembered. Now while I would remember Matthew no matter how or when he died, people outside the family and close circle wouldn't. Maybe his 3 year struggle with cancer was a good eye-opener for them, as good a lesson to them as it was to me. How truly, life is what you shape it up to be, and nothing is anything more than mind over matter. And those people, some who never know Matthew, some who barely knew him, and others who wish they knew him better, will go through their lives, and he will have affected them somehow.

It's arrogant to say Matthew changed everyone's life. The point I'm trying to make is the point I know that's happened to me. How the death of others is quite a revolution for the people surrounding it, close and far. People can go on without a second thought and block it out completely, convincing themselves they have nothing to do with it and don't need to fret over it. That's fine. Others can carry a piece with them forever, and trace across it in moments of wonder or curiosity. Others are deeply affected and will go through their lives bringing up the experience to people they learn to love, trying to share what that particular death taught them about life. Or the people like me, the people who couldn't have been closer, can either have it darken their soul and stance for the rest of their waking lives, or carry it around as a sort of protective blanket, a reminder of what experiences can do to you... and what they can do for you.

Life isn't easy. I think it's the most obvious thing to say that it isn't. But it's true. And I think it's important to take these experiences and see both sides of it--what they do to you and what they do for you.

And yeah, I really miss my brother. And yeah, I walk around school everyday, remembering and realizing where I was one year ago. The feelings I felt, the things I was going through. It's truly almost been a year. It'll be eleven months in three more days. It's just impossible for me to believe, and yet it is. And yes, I really wish somebody would ask me about this, but they never will and I get it. I get why. It's too hard. And that's fine. Doesn't stop me from wishing.

But on days like these, days where it seems like everyone needs a smile and a Hanukkah cookie, sometimes I just wonder if there really is harm in asking why. Tough weeks like this where disappointment is just hurled one after the other, when it should be happier. Holidays, new plays, such sweet and wonderful friends I have...

I don't know. I could talk about death and grief forever. And on a day like this where everyone's so stunned... God, I'm so sorry.

Rest in peace Matthew, Veronica, and Clay. <3

The Blog Post Somewhat Reality Deserves, But Not the One It Needs Right Now.

2009-12-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

Unless it is, then here I am, living up to expectations.

It's really strange, it's not like I've been so incredibly busy I've had no time to post (but don't get me wrong, I have been extremely busy), I've just had hours and hours of homework each night so by the time I'm finished I can't look at my computer anymore without freaking out. xD

Anyway, a peek into what you missed while I neglected you, blog-o:

Long phone call with Thy Mighty Editor. Worked out some major new things for the book that I've gots to gets started ons for rewrites.
I used poor grammar in that because I never realized how terrible I was at it... until I became a professional author. Ironic, much?
Which means I have a lot of cuts and corrections to make in the more specific edits also recieved from Thy Mighty Editor earlier this week.
People keep reminding me I'm only 15 years old. It's bothering me. >.< What's wrong with ambition?
I have two boxes of Hanukkah cookies sitting next to me and I'm really tempted to eat them all up. But I'm bringing them to school tomorrow to spread a little Jewish culture (I miss attending a Jewish school...)
Workouts everyday on the treadmill. I've gotten through The Dark Knight twice (which means I when I finally watched it through after three workout sessions... I shoved it right back in the DVD player and then watched about half of it right after) and about a quarter of 3:10 to Yuma. I think after I get through that little piece of Western studmuffin brilliance, I'll be moving onto Titanic (which should be an interesting combo... crying + working out).
My dad just informed me we have Casablanca on Netflix-TiVo-whatever-that-new-little-nifty- thing-is-that-lets-us-download-movies-from-Netflix-right-onto-our-TiVos. I am very extremely excited.
Emily's Movie-Watch Wishlist: There Will Be Blood, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Casablanca, Nine, When Harry Met Sally, Eternal Moonshine of the Spotless Mind, Where the Wild Things Are.
I still haven't ~~disrupted~~ seen New Moon. Don't think I'm going to.
It's Hanukkah tomorrow. I'm hoping to get a new iPod, a Snuggie, Disney movies (I have them all on VHS, but not on DVD), Public Enemies, Terminator Salvation, and a ton of other movies.
If you haven't guessed by now, I'm a total movie junky.
The Glee finale was full of cheesy goodness.
I was sick again last week. A bad fever that lasted less than 24 hours. Guess my immune system of steel is back in the game.
Singin' in the Rain is the world's best Sick-Movie. I am still incredulous as to how Gene Kelly did the title number with a 103 blazing fever. Just phenomenal.
My drama class showed Casablanca while I was out sick. I can't catch a break (until Netflix saved my life).
Ran a record of four 3-hour conversations on the phone with Alyson last week. Going strong, sir.
Found out Europe trip with said Alyson was potentially canceled due to Alyson's brilliance in the scientific field, only for it to be saved again (along with my sanity, even if I never had it in the first place).
I am .2% away from getting an A in one of my classes and a B in another. It's bugging the crap out of me.
Luckily, both will be pulled up when the online grading system gets updated again. But still. It mocks me.
And the big one...

So amidst all those little small insignificant tidbits of my life (well, Thy Mighty Editor news isn't as insignificant xD), my Theater Guild held auditions for the winter/spring plays this week. We're putting up Steel Magnolias and Leading Ladies. You might have heard of the first one, but if not, you should definitely check both of them out. They're phenomenal--Steel Mags is more of a dramedy (drama/comedy) and Leading Ladies is just whacked-out hysterical.

However, these plays are not like Taming of the Shrew (in both articulate brilliance and length). We're not talking a 50 person cast here. I'm talking small. Really. Small. Casts. There's only 6 people in Steel Mags. There's 8 in Leading Ladies. All the parts are leads, some bigger than others. But they're all leads. Every single one of them.

So you can imagine it's competitive.

Now, I for one was not expecting to get in. I knew that if I didn't make it into either plays, I would be teching for one or both of them. Or selling tickets. Whatever worked, you know.

So let me walk you through auditions:

Tuesday: I sat behind the table in the freezing 59 degree weather (I'm a native Southern Californian, don't laugh at me) and handed out scripts to everyone auditioning. I also explained each role to people who weren't familiar with one or both plays. Steel Mags is all female, so it was obvious which one the guys were going out for (ironic, Leading Ladies is a mostly guy play--only 3 female parts--but then again, if you knew the plot, it's not that ironic).

Once everyone was settled with their scripts, myself, still freezing, signed up for a time, filled out an audition form, and read with people who needed extra readers in their groups. (I didn't count it as a personal audition since I had no interest in the roles I read for; it was only to help) Then I auditioned with Alex for the main part in Leading Ladies--Meg--and went home to do four hours of homework (which meant no Confirmation class).

Wednesday: Callbacks posted. I got one for Meg along with Florence, the crabby rich old lady who is scary beyond all reason and just won't effing die. I played Florence when we put on the show in class, so my director wanted me to read for it again.

Since I had voice lessons at 4:30, I had to leave at 4:10. Unfortunately, Steel Mags was reading first, so I knew I'd be strapped for time (school ends at 2:10 and auditions began at 2:30). Everyone else reading for Leading Ladies screwed around while I rehearsed with myself (sad...) and then towards the end more people began rehearsing and since I was the only Meg out there I was racking up a line of people who needed me to practice with them.

I admit, it's totally fun.

I did my callbacks, and then dashed out of there and over to voice lessons (where I got assigned Somewhere Over the Rainbow :D). Despite having an awesome time at auditions, I was convinced I wouldn't get in. Me vs. 30+ auditioners? Oh Bale naw.

(That's Emily for oh hell no).

But alas, as I went from Chem to the drama room at break to see the posted cast list, I found good reason to celebrate.

While I did not get the part of Meg, I did get the part of Florence, and that makes me extremely happy. That I was chosen out of a handful of people to be in a cast of 8. I'm not sure what I did to deserve it, but I know I'll be working my butt off to prove I deserve to stay. :)

Also, one of my closest friends Anna got Shelby, which is the lead in Steel Mags (even if she is only alive for the first act of the play xD), and that truly makes me happy. I truly love everyone who got into both plays, so I'm really excited for the experience. Hopefully it'll be better than Shrew was... and if it isn't, I'll still love it anyway (as I did Shrew xD).

And while this has been an unquestionably terrible week (don't ask...), that alone made it a little better. :)

Also, Hanukkah tomorrow should be awesome.

Keep you posted... and yes, this long blog post should nicely cover the days of neglection. Tally ho, pip pip!

Mini-Blog: MUCH ADO ABOUT HAMLET!

2009-12-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

That's a line from the play I auditioned for today, Leading Ladies.

Sorry I've been neglecting you, blog-o. I've been so busy, as you've probably guessed. Anyway, it's been a bit of a rough week and I'm going to go and shove as much work out of the way as possible tonight so I'll stop stressing.

If I have time, you'll get a much-deserved longer post from me. Tally ho!

"Driving away from the wreck of the day and it's finally quiet in my head..."

2009-12-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling so great today, and it just got worse and worse.

So I thought I'd leave you all with a quote said by my cousin Theodore H. White. I've never met him because he died before I was born, but he's a Pulitzer-prize winning author and that's something I've always been proud of. Gives me a little hope for myself (even if I'm nowhere close to Pulitzer-worthy).

“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.""

I dunno, I thought it was pretty brilliant. And very suitable for a day like this.

Thanks, Cousin Teddy.

It's called, "Guess"

2009-12-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

3 Guesses Who's Sick Again!

Come on.

Guess.

Guess.

Did you guess George Clooney? Because in that case you're wrong he's fine (last time I checked... George, you okay?)

Okay, 2 more guesses. Come on. Think hard.

Hugh Jackman? Not possible. Perfection doesn't get sick.

ONE MORE COME ON.

Did you guess me? Did ya, did ya?

Well you'd be damn right.

Bugger my life.